Waiting Up

Mackenzie's at some concert tonight. Tech 9, apparently. That's her with me in the pic. I extended her 11pm curfew to midnight for the occasion...so! Here I am killing time until she blows in. She's been very excited for tonight, talking about it for weeks. There WAS a little drama involved. Mackenzie lied to her boyfriend, Warner, that she was working tonight. She knew it would not fly with Warner that she was going to the concert with her friend Jonathan. But! As things go, Warner got wind of the truth, and via text, let his feelings be known. Her response to it all? "Screw it. I'm gonna go have a blast at the concert and by tomorrow, Warner will be apologizing and begging me back." Yes, she still has the princess syndrome going on... Me? I hope this is the end of her and Warner. I REALLY wish she'd find a decent boyfriend who was a good influence.

It snowed today. Strange, for Albuquerque this early. I actually did not have any classes to teach today. My midschoolers had teachers' conferences, and being I'm an Adapted PE teacher, I don't do conferences, so yay! Easy day.

Except not so easy. I am drained. I do not what to do about him. Us. I just don't know.

The Sum of Things

I was having an email conversation with an acquaintance today, no one in the inner circle, but the conversation still held significance. It had to do with pining.

He had mentioned, awhile back, how he had pined for someone for 5 years.

It was on my mind strong today, the whole concept of pining.

So! I emailed him. And asked.

"Really? 5 years? Do people do that?"

He, as always, responded quickly. "I did. She was my best friend and I'd never connected with someone like that. All better now, though."

And me and my bruised heart responded, "You call it "pining." Perhaps it is the word I am stuck on. Correct me if I am way off, but perhaps it wasn't HER you pined for. Rather, the LIFE you had with her? I know you have referred to the connection you had. So! You were pining for that sort of CONNECTION, not so much her? Oish. I dunno. I am just trying to make sense of why I miss things about last year. I am not pining. I just miss things about my old life. That's all."

And this is why I tell you all this. Cuz in my heartbroken, still-dealing state, his next words moved me to tears and revelations, and he doesn't even know it.

"I refuse to go down an analytical path that extracts things we love about people and suggest we only long for those things. It is the sum of those things that MAKES someone who they are, that MAKES that connection, that makes you friends, or more. I missed the sum. I missed her."

After teasing him about being extemporaneously poignant, we headed back to shallow waters.

But wow. That's exactly it. I miss the sum.

God Effing Damn It.

5 years of this?

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Fun at the MVD and in the Bachelorette Pad

Mackenzie, now 17, has moved back in.
She was only out not even 2 months. Living in an apartment with 4 other lost peers. I let it happen mostly because I didn't know how else to stop her. She got her GED last Spring, she holds a job, so! Events unfolded, but not at my will.
Shoulda, coulda, woulda....but here we are.

Today we were supposed to get her "provisional" license. It is the step AFTER the permit, in which minors spend a year driving with a few minor restrictions. As long as all goes well in that year, they qualify for a real driver's license. As it goes with anything involving the MVD, we did not have all our documents. I looked it up and thought I was covered with just the driving log and all the other millions of proofs of identity, however, we lacked the "certificate of completion" from driver's ed. The website did not list this as a requirement. Now! We have to go back to her driving school sometime next week, get a copy of this VERY. IMPORTANT. DOCUMENT. And trudge back through MVD hell. She is devastated. Had her heart set on having her license today.

Here's the deal we made with her. If she moved back in with me, enrolled fulltime in college, and continued to hold her job, she could have the car her dad bought for her months ago. She agreed to all conditions, but now we have the driver's license glitch to tackle. All will be well within a week, I anticipate.

Tyler and Anna are both 21 now.
Anna just had her birthday.
Still together, after all these years. Technically, they are considered Seniors at University of New Mexico, but they'll have a full 5th year after completing this 4th one. Tyler's been frustrated lately and has been pretty down. Feels like he'll never graduate. Hates his job. Frustrated about their perpetual state of brokeness. He's still holding the same security job he's had throughout college. He has switched his major YET AGAIN. Started out in Engineering, then to Business, and the latest is a double in Psych and History. He decided to ditch the moneymaking futures that would leave him miserable, and instead, focus on his interests. Happiness first. Good boy. Except Proud Mama Bear had to give up the dream of him supporting her someday...but no worries, there is still the lottery.

Me, now.
I am staying afloat.
I continue to live in a gorgeous apartment in the foothills of the city...same place I have been since me and my stomped-on-smooshed-to-the pavement heart left the cop's place back in July. The home I own on the opposite side of town is rented out for the next year and a half, so, here I am. Next weekend I will be doing a 5k, and the SWEET thing about is it's all DOWNHILL! I should have a killer time! I will definitely post it on Facebook and all will think I'm a super fast runner. HA!

James from the last post is still in the picture. He is SUCH a unique human being. Used to be a rocket scientist for creep's sake! He got bored with that and is now an overpaid IT Consultant who also races road bikes, extreme skiis, builds furniture in his gorgeous wood shop, plays drums (& bass) and sings with great talent and has a music studio set up in his house....
But I am waffling.

The cop has been sober since September 12th.

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Uncertainty

Meet James.

This was us in Seattle a few weekends ago.

Problems here. I am not even sure where to start.

Mackenzie has moved out.

Some days I feel like my brain might burst.

Cutting My Losses

I play this game with myself....more like with my PAST self, the one who does not know me, who does not know where I am at right now in this life moment. I look back to a set period, say a year, and marvel that if my one-year-ago-past self would have been told I'd be HERE? Right now?
She would laugh in your face.


It is SO WEIRD how we have these plans in our head on how we foresee our live's paths going and then DONG!
Detour out of the blue.


I moved out of the cop's place.
BIG SURPRISE!
Reading through this abandoned blog, and being separated from the dysfunction of the relationship makes for interesting insight. As I read, I remembered how I was feeling behind the words I wrote.
Not good.
Not healthy.
So much hearthurt.


I wasn't prepared for the move out. I had actually been neck deep in remodeling projects at his house, with very little help on his part, mind you. But! An unknown woman's kiss at a ballgame and the momentum it initiated was the breaking point.

"What's it to you if I have friends outside of you? Why don't you just let me live my life? Perhaps we should end it," he hissed with eyes piercing me...
swimming in resentment,
hate,
selfishness.


"Yup," I agreed in instant clarity, "Perhaps we should." And it was done.

Details, you do not need. The few days after were pretty rough as I dealt with the typical gamut of breakup emotions...

But!

That first night in my new place? The night I had dreaded and feared I wouldn't get through?
I lit a candle.
I played my "Chill" playlist softly.
I put on my favorite jammies.
I climbed into bed.
And I smiled.
And I slept soundly the whole night through.

The weights dragging me down and smothering me dropped off me that easily.
I am breathing again.

Kas and Josh? Guys, it is ok we went to Horse and Angel that night. He existed, I am ok with that. Perhaps, just perhaps, I am a better person for it.

Onward.

.

Vincible

My stomach is upset today.
Nerves.
I get this way anytime I am forced to see the realities of my life. I feel like barfing. Can hardly hold down the tea I'm drinking.

Aaargh! I am such a coward! Denial is so much easier than being sick like this.

Or is it.

Time to make some "big girl" decisions.

Happy 2009 !!!!

Ros and Earle came over for the New Year's Eve festivities and I FORGOT to break out the stupid hats and beads and blowers and crap I had bought! Durrr! Oh well, the Sangria's I had whipped up were fantabulous so I'll hang on to that. That's Ros and Earle in the picture!!! The other pic is me in all my brunette glory with Ros. We attempted to play Cranium but the cop was such a Debbie Downer it didn't go over as originally envisioned. Kenzie, my sixteen year old princess slash wild child had her friend Sommer over and they were good girls and stayed in. I called Tyler at 11pm and he and Anna were in bed!!! They had electricians and plumbers coming early this AM to do her kitchen which STILL isn't done. I got an early call this AM from him, "How high up are your kitchen cabinets?" Me, "I dunno, standard height I guess." Tyler, "Well can you measure them?" He's such a strange 20 year old. Has all his priorities in order. I'm STILL working on that myself.

Tyler still rents out a house with friends, but never is there. What a waste of money. His lease is up in June so hopefully he'll just let it go and save a few bucks. He is terrified of the big "C" word. Doesn't want to give up that final link to bachelorhood and freedom by moving in with Anna fulltime. I know, I know, its actually a wise, responsible decision, being that he is unsure. Like I said, he's the wise one in the fam.

This two week break was such a bust. I did NOTHING, unless you count finish 4 1/2 books. Ros had some friends drive in from California on a whim last night. They just got in their car and drove. They haven't seen her in a decade. How cool.

Summer me...

Winter me!!!

I've never been brunette before, its kinda fun! Ros said I look more "distinguished." Not sure how I feel about that. But she also said I need to gain 5 lbs so I love her to pieces.

Life is so weird. I've been feeling out of sorts lately, for various reasons, and it has made me a bit reflective. Perhaps that's why I went for the outward change. A new me. A different person. Except I'm not different. I'm still the approaching-40 mom who's stumbling through Life in a perpetual state of winging it. Surrounded by fellow erred humans stumbling along their own paths...even though I try to keep ahead and kick the stones out of their way. But I'm tired from the labor of it all. I want somebody, just for once, to kicks the stones out of MY way.

On Gustav and Riverfesting Adventures

So Gustav wasn't as devastating as predicted. What a true relief. I feel so blessed to live in a part of the country that has no severe weather.

I met a band called Whiskey Falls this summer! Well not the whole band actually. Just Damon and Buck. The rest of the band was delayed on a plane. I was in La Crosse, Wisconsin (my old college town!) Riverfesting with my sis, her friend Ty, and the cop. I had my beer bracelet on and a Mike's Hard Lemonade Light in my hand. Slurp! Yum! Whiskey Falls was the big finale of the Fest. Sissy's friend Ty works for a radio station in town, KQ98 if you care, and mentioned the band would be performing live at the radio station before the concert, and did we want to go watch? Did we? Hell ya!

Long story short, the four of us were in the green room having drinkies with a few of the radio announcers before the live radio show. I had some kind of apple wine cooler thingy. Everything else in there was beer, beer, and more beer. Ick. Anyhoo, back to my story. Buck and Damon walked in. We chatted, yada yada yada, it was time for them to perform, we watched. I was totally blown away. These two can SING! Amazing harmonies. Turns out the other two in the band have voices just as good. Four leads in one band. This band's a rarity. Their sound a gift from the goddesses. Check them out people. They are fairly new, just recently combined from other bands. We will be seeing much more of them of that I am positive. My fave of theirs is Last Train Running.

That's ME in the middle! Damon's on the left. The cop's between me and Damon. Buck's between me and my sis!

Here We Go Again

Gustav arrives tomorrow. My stomach is in knots. I am glued to the TV. Be safe, fellow Americans. I'll be watching its imminent arrival helplessly, along with the rest of the nation, praying for the best possible outcome.

On The Kids

Mackenzie's 16 now, though it seems like she's been 16 forever so I'm not marveling or wallowing. It's just finally a fact. School's a little odd this year, as she only attends 11th grade half the time. She takes online classes and a class at CNM the other half. Seems like a new trend taking root--the whole off-campus schooling thing. Not sure if she's self-directed enough to handle it, so I'm treating this first semester like a test tube baby. Watching and waiting.

Tyler's been working like a dog on Anna's new dilipadated house. Oxymoron, yes, but there ya go. Anna's dad, the radical Christian who has no problem telling his kids I'm an "immoral slut" amongst other things, bought her the mold infested, crumbling hole of a domicile as an investment for himself. The plan was that Tyler and Anna would fix it up for Anna to live in while she finishes her college years. Problem with that? Well where do I begin.... Imagine walking into a house where the stench hits you first, and you see walls falling down, bathrooms gutted with no working plumbing, water stains, stripped-down kitchen, windows with pasted on filth... Okay now you are seeing Anna's house. Radical Christian Daddy-O (aka RCD) has done nothing to help these kids get this place livable. I've been giving hours of help and the conflict of it all kills me. On the one hand, I have little Anna (literally, she's super skinny), who's too proud to admit she's over her head on this one, and is left homeless until the house is livable. On the other hand, I have RCD who has made his feelings for me clear (and made sure his name calling passed down to my children), and will make a profit off all my and Tyler's hard work. I hate how he gets to benefit. But at the same time I hate how I see Tyler losing weight, losing sleep, and looking like hell from the stress of trying to remodel this effing house from hell. He's so stressed. Anna's all on her own without him. She's totally leaning on him to pull this off. You see my dilemma now? I have to go help. I have no choice.

Why would a dad put his 19 year old daughter in this adult situation for his financial gain? The air quality is so bad in that house that the dad and his new wife won't go in there, but have no problem letting their daughter go in. And why would he expect that daughter's boyfriend to take on the role as unpaid slave worker? Some people in this world are sooooooo disappointing.

On Hot Rods and French Artists

No I'm not dead. Just inundated with life's happityhaps. Can I just start with my shallow but most pleasurable news?

If you see a smokin' hot little Infiniti G35 sports coupe blow by you with a long haired chick singing loud to the cranked Bose sound system, IT'S ME! Yes, peeps, I'm the proud mama of a sexy little hot rod and I'm "lovin' every minute of it" (as the fab 80's band Loverboy used to say)!

Speaking of proud mama, I have a new baby. Fafi. Named after the French artist chick. Half Silky Terrier and half Maltese and cute cute cute! She's black with white paws and chest and ear tips. All of 4 lbs. and not quite 3 months old yet. She'll get up to 8 lbs.

I'm also fostering a black cat Anna (Tyler's girlfriend) rescued, but hopefully for not much longer. Its so cute watching the kitty and Fafi roll around wrestling. They love to get into things together--tearing up paper, killing my plants, or chewing on panties, things like that.

On Sunsets and Time Machines

My living room changes colors about this time each evening. A sleepy pinkish hue settles over my Spanish decor in the most cosiest of ways. It used to envelop me like my white softest of softs blanket, like my black modal cami, like a glass of Ponderosa Reserve Red wine, like a hug from my unconditionally-in-love-with-me 5-year-old daughter. Only she's not 5 anymore. She's 15. And this isn't my home anymore. It's Deann and Jay's. The sunsets over the stunning West Mesa's extinct volcanoes won't be seen by my eyes after this week. Each night lately, I find myself staring at the volcanoes out my windows, trying to capture it all, trying to imprint a photo into the forefront of my brain so I won't ever forget. I'm already missing that which is right before my eyes. How strange.
The move to the East side is fast approaching. I didn't seek this out. I'm not sure how I feel. It's been like a stone rolling downhill. You all know Newton's laws of motion. You know, momentum and crap. Mix in a mass the weight of an outdated ranch house, and I can't stop the effing stone's path. But don't take me wrong, I'm not complaining and I'm not whining. It is what it is, as some brilliant mind (and millions of not-so-brilliant ones) have said. Okay so maybe I am whining. Leave me alone, it's my blog.
Ros and Earl moved to a beautiful brand new home in Bernalillo, a commuter town just North of Albuquerque. I helped her move, being the incredibly generous and selfless biffle that I am. Earl sold his home in Gallup, and Ros is renting her city pad. All works out in the end. Earl will be MUCH closer to his environmental job in Santa Fe this way. Ros will have a little bit more of a commute, but it's tolerable. So she's happy. Though Earl continues to display his multitude of quirky mannerisms that drive her to the brink of manhating. Don't get me going on his bizarre relationship with his 3 cats. Yes, the SAME cats that caused Ros to have to stop CHEWING her sandwich because Earl told her, DON'T MOVE! BE PERFECTLY QUIET! THE CATS WON'T EAT WITH YOU MAKING THAT NOISE! The noise he was referring to was her standing at the kitchen counter eating a tuna sandwich. Of course, she froze mid-bite out of shock, not out of compliance. Trust me, people, Earl suffered for THAT Earlism later, but at that moment she left the room seeing red, and not just red, seeing Earl's head lopped off with red oozing from it.
Pam's got a new guy in her life and a shorter do. She chopped off her gorgeous locks to donate them to some cancer wig charity. The guy has bucks, lives in Atlanta and works for Lockheed. It all feels too familiar--a fast, swept-off-her-feet courtship. Heavy in to each other. Her constantly talking about him, blah blah blah. I give it two more months.
I'm beside myself stressed about the conference in two weeks and the move in 1. Good thing the cop and I roadtripped to the Ponderosa winery last week in the new Land Rover and stocked up. If only I could just fast forward to June 19th....
Anybody have a time machine I could borrow?

Hmmm.

Haven't been here in awhile. That crazy little thang called Life keeps distracting me from my Blogging duties.

The big news is that the cop and I will be moving East. The East side of town, that is. The cop is buying his parents' house at a discounted rate, hence the move East. His folks are retiring and plan to live the RV life. The house is an outdated ranch, but won't be for long once I get my HGTV-addict hands on it!

After a failed attempt at selling my house, I've found some fab renters thanks to Craig's List (love you Craigy!) who signed a one year lease and have become our new best friends. They are moving in here on June 23rd. DeeAnn and Jay. A very fun couple who we've actually started hanging out with. It sounds strange, landlords hanging out with some random renters they found on Craig's List, but hey, we just clicked. DeeAnn's a pharmaceutical rep from Missouri and has kids my kids' age except opposite sexes! Tomorrow night we are going to their place for drinkie's then out for sushi. Two weeks ago we sat on the rooftop bar at Sandia Casino with them and watched the sun set while getting smashed. DeeAnn won 50 bucks on our way out of the casino, the bitch.

Tyler turned 20 a couple weeks ago. Doesn't it seem like just yesterday I blogged all about his 18th surprise birthday party thrown by his awesome friends with the chocolate pudding pool in my backyard???? Yup, he's 20 now. Crazy. Tyler's been living in the dorms the past two years, but just last week rented an awesome house with two friends. They've been Craig's Listing like crazy buying furniture to fill it.

Kenzie, still 15 (turns 16 in August) and never growing up it seems, continues to grey my hair. The Queen of Creating Her Own Drama. I love her to death, but, man, my mom's curse sure was a strong one. I repent, mom! I repent! She'll be a Junior next year. I don't know what else to say on the topic. Let's just leave it at that.

Here's my happy news: I'm so excited because we are once again spending the 4th of July in Minnesota/Wisconsin!!! Even better, Tyler AND his girlfriend Anna will be coming, too! My Minney friends are planning a pontoon day trip on the Mississippi for us, complete with stops on sandbars for grilling, drinking, and basking in Glorious Wondrous Fabulous Life! I am oh so looking forward to that!

Ros and Earl are STILL married, I can hardly believe it. After the beautifully amusing wedding here at the house, they finally got around to signing the forgotten marriage certificate. He continues to drive her nuts, yet she continues to take it. I get exasperated calls pretty much weekly on new Earlisms. The guy may be a genius, but he's relationship retarded. My guess is she'll have a boyfriend on the side within the next year.

Pam's coming to stay with me for a few days in about a week and a half. She's in town all the time, it hardly feels like she's moved! The fact that we talk every day helps, too. We'll be spending mid-June together in Denver--remember the conference I have to present at? Yup, that's the one. I can't WAIT for it to be over, I'm rather stressed about it.

Okay peeps, YAWN!, my sleepy fingerpads are signing out for the nighty-night. Sweet dreams and happy days to ya!

Look Deep Into My Eyes

My latest little 3rd grade tutoree and I were hunkered down over some grammar lessons last night.

She was reading the directions on an assignment that said, "Alphabetize the following list of words."

She had a puzzled look on her face.

Me, "Do you know what 'alphabetize' means?"

Her, "Yeah, isn't it when you take a coin thingy on a string and you swing it in front of someone's face and say 'you're getting sleepy......'" The child was dead serious.

Me, "No, hon, that's 'hypnotize'." I proceeded to explain alphabetizing. I noticed a devil look growing on her face as I explained the assignment.

Her, "Maybe I could hypnotize you so you will alphabetize the words for me!"

God I love kids.

Cindy's Saga

Pam, AKA Cindy, had a fab date last night with rich guy. The "Cindy" is Pammy's latest nickname cuz she sent me a text last night from the car saying she felt like Cinderella. I texted back she was here on out "Cindy" for short.

After they met at Harvard Club, they caught Phantom and then ate at the Trump Tower. Oh yeah, and he took her to his apartment to see the amazing view. Central Park is across the street and he runs in it every morning he's in town. Rich guy felt bad for his personal driver, Jose, so instead of Jose taking Cindy back to New Jersey so late, he hired a car for her. Awwwww. He looks out for the little man. We figure the whole night set him back around a grand.

Today she's still giddy from the whole experience. She texted me that she's been waiting by the phone in typical female form. From the sounds of the goings-on of last night, she won't be waiting long.

I'm so bored. Here Pam's got this dreamy fabulous life, and here I am broke in Albuquerque. I work and I work out and I take care of everything mundane and I try to get the cop to TCB. Snore. That's my life. Perhaps I'm a bit envious. Okay, okay, I am. Not envious of the man, but envious of the world the man has the key to. Shallow I know, but I'll get over it. Sigh. Better get back to the BOSU ball.

Harvard Club Hooker

My biffle Pam is, as I type, sitting in the Harvard Club of New York City, greeting her rich guy (whose name I won't divulge unless it gets more serious because he's well-known). She was at a conference in New Jersey and he sent a car for her which dropped her at the Harvard Club. She was texting me while she waited that the crowd was business conservative attire. She's slinked out in a black dress and boots. She was feeling way out of place sitting at the bar alone. Here's her text on the issue, "Its lawyer looking types I am afraid I look like a hooker." She probably does. Sigh. Poor Pammy.

Its weird, though. This whole dating the rich New York bachelor. Did I mention he used to date Ann Coulter? My sister found that juicy bit online. Going from Ann Coulter to Pam. Sorry, I need to take a chuckle break here. Actually, Pam is a fabulous human being. Its just we don't typically roll in circles with people who own billion dollar corporations and baseball teams. This is all such an adventure! The cop told me if this thing works out with Pam and rich guy, that I'd have to change my ringtone for her from the current "Friends in Low Places" to "Uptown Girl." NEVAH!!!!!!! She will always be my friend in low places.

The other two things I need to report are that 1) I finally got a BOSU ball (I've been jonesing for one for months) and 2) Tyler (my almost 20 year old fabulous son) is building me a super computer, complete with TV tuner HD/DVR and remote! Okay and I'll add a third, 3) I'm sore all over because I lifted the past 3 days in a ROW! Normally, I go to the gym, hit the treadmill, do a little plyo's, then leave. So this lifting stuff is new. So ouch. I need a massage.

On A Clear Day...

I can see
a very long way.

Uhh Stef, Can You Start the Music??????

I had a wedding here yesterday! HERE...referring to my house! Strange but true. Ros and Earle, yes, the same autistic-like Earl who says things to Ros like, "Just dim the lights, honey, then you won't look so old." Or how about, "Your eyes look like puffy slits in the morning." They got married. Except didn't. They forgot to bring over the marriage license in typical Ros fashion. The ceremony was actually quite beautiful in a dysfunctional sort of way. There was formal attire all around, and a beautiful cake to die for (made by a gay teacher HIV positive friend--who also did all the flowers). There was even a reception complete with karaoke singing and the throwing of the flowers and the garter. The cop, being the only single guy in the room, got the garter thrown at him. Being there were plenty of single Venusians, I wasn't the lucky bouquet catcher.

My best Minnesota friend Mary was in town on Sunday! We had tea at Flying Star with the cop who was on duty, then we headed to Jackalope for quickie shopping before going back to my house to the chaos of wedding decorating. THEN! We finished with a dinner at El Pinto consisting of her parents and sister, plus my kiddos Tyler and Mackenzie. Mary and I are like sisters, we go way back. Our kids are like cousins, and all her relatives feel like mine--its that kind of relationship. Mary adopted Bree, who was placed in her foster care when Bree was a month old. Bree's head was swollen to twice as big as her body and she was purple head to toe when she arrived at Mary's. Her fuckhead loser paternal and maternal units beat the shit out of her and left her for dead. The Dr.'s were not optimistic. They didn't think she'd make it. Or if she did, that she'd be severely disabled for life. The good news is, Bree walks and talks and is a beautiful 10 year old girl. The bad news is, Bree is emotionally disabled to the point where I worry she could harm one of the other kids. Or Mary or Doug, her husband. Bree's my god-daughter. Mary had another daughter who was Mackenzie's age (Mackenzie's 15). Rachel. Rachel died at her daycare of SIDS when she was 9 months old. It was awful. I don't want to talk about it. She also has Joe, who's about 12 now and incredibly gifted. Plus she has the oops baby, Therese, whose 3. Mary really connected with Mackenzie during the rushed visit. Today she told me that perhaps Mackenzie and Rachel were peas in a pod. They were the same age, therefore she's fascinated by Mackenzie's world. The grieving never stops for any of us.

And then there's Pam. My soul sister who abandoned me for a fabulous job in Atlanta. She called me Sunday freaking out because of a tornado warning going on in Atlanta. I was trying to drive the cop's huge pimped out stick shift Jeep through the city to pick up Mary, and at the same time trying to calm down Pam, who lives halfway across the country. "I don't even know what county I live in, how can I know if there's a tornado here or not?!?!" Pam spent her whole life in Albuquerque, just moved to Atlanta all by her fabulous single self this summer. Since we don't have severe weather here in Albuquerque, she knows nothing about tornadoes. "You won't believe it! You know those Emergency Broadcast Tests? They just had one, only it wasn't a TEST! It was a real Emergency Broadcast about the tornadoes here!!!" I told her to get to the basement. "I DONT HAVE A BASEMENT!" I helped her find her safest place, which was a bathtub in a bathroom in the middle of her house, far from the windows. Her cellphone was about to die, she had no flashlight, and couldn't find any matches to light a candle in case the electricity went out. "Pam, sweetie, I love ya and all, but I really gotta go.... I'm sure you won't blow away...." I was already to Mary's parents' house and I hadn't seen her since summer so I was excited to see my sweet friend.

As expected, Pam didn't blow away. Even better, she met a Manhattan millionaire/possibly billionaire through work the next day (he's the major share-holder in the company she works for, she had to do a presentation for the board) and they are going out on an official date next week. He's sending a car for her while she's in New Jersey at a conference. He's bringing her into the city to see a Broadway show and I don't know what else. She didn't even KNOW who he was, but we googled him today and MY OH MY. People, this guy, whose name I won't give out because he's big, this guy owns multiple Fortune 500 companies, part of an MLB team, a pro-Hockey team, and that's just the start of who he is. Googling him pulls up multitudes of interviews in magazines, newspapers, etc. He has his own philanthropy foundation and you've probably heard of it. I will keep you posted if this thing goes anywhere. I'm already thinking of how this could benefit ME! A smokin' fabulous job perhaps???? Awww, come on, what's a girl got if she ain't got dreams?

Ba dee Ba dee Ba dee that's all folks!!!!

I think I forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair again. I'm sitting here with a half-wet head and it has that heavy funky greasy feeling. Sigh. It's my early Alzheimer's. See this is a perfect example why blogging of this style is so valuable. A few years from now, when I forget that I'm not REALLY a princess and resort to wearing a tiara 24/7, I'll at least have this blog to give me the cold hard truth. Well, SOME of the truth. I don't write EVERYTHING here. Nobody out there reveals all of themselves to anyone. Its our self-protective nature.

On the topic of the cop.... Last you heard, he and I were in the breakup phase. Currently, we appear to be in the denial phase. Denial that anything yucky transpired between us in December. It is strange. I'm FAR from over December. I want him to have to take responsibility for us, to give something----freaking ANYTHING to us. I know that doesn't make sense, but this is a nice example of what I mentioned earlier, how I don't reveal everything in my blogging. Just know this....I'm a bit angry and this is why. He got to say hurtful things. He pulled up the roots and was ready to run. He has no fight in him for me. I always thought my one would fight tooth and nail to keep me around, but he does the opposite. He only wants me around if its on his terms. We are on this day-to-day contract, with me hanging out there never knowing what to expect the next day and I hate it, I HATE IT! I can't talk to him about it because of this being the "denial phase" like I said. When I DO broach the subject about how I'm feeling, there's almost a hostile vibe coming off him so I back down. I feel cheated and used. But then, you'd never know it if you watched us. Its like the freaking Leave It To Beaver show over here--Hi Ward! How was your day? Fine, honey! SMOOCH!
I don't know what to do. I love him, I really do. I'm just so unhappy living in this farce, with my words and feelings held prisoner inside my tonsils. Him getting to call all the shots on defining how this relationship will look. And whoa to the female protagonist if she should DARE NOT LIKE IT.
Here's the other side of it. Maybe I'm way off on my analysis. Maybe he IS giving to it ("it referring to the relationship, jeez people, keep up), maybe he IS fighting for it. But then, why the hush hush? Why can't he just tell me so? Is this just the Mars/Venus thing? And then why doesn't he apologize or discuss all the hurtful words still floating in the air that left his mouth in December? Because I'm far from over it.
Ugh.
I'm drained.
I'm disappointed.
And I'm simply too fabulous to settle for shit.

Boring Updates

Don't even read this one, people. Unless you are having trouble falling asleep. Then you should definitely read on.

So, yeah--being that public school teacher pay sucks cow nipples, I've been tutoring each night after school. It's a pretty sweet gig. The lessons are all computerized and set up for the kids. I have a group of three to six of the little angels each night. My only complaint is that its messing with my workouts. I ran 7 miles Saturday and that was my last workout. Ugh.

Mackenzie is officially a public school student. She left her posh private school for rat infested Cibola High. I'm quite sad about this, but academically she couldn't hold up. She wanted to leave and now she got her way. At least I don't have to get up so early and drive her in the AM's anymore.

Tyler claims the dorms are driving him nuts. He vows he won't spend another year there. His plan is to get a house with some friends this summer. His latest scheme is to spend his Senior year studying in Australia. Whatever. He's such a dreamer. Anna's rich dad is buying her a house--so she'll be out of the dorms after this year, too. Changes everywhere.

My Grandma Ginny (mom's mom) in Florida is moving into assisted-living. I find that so sad and have had a heavy heart for her. Life is so weird! Such a big kettle of contradictions. We worry over every pain and sickness, workout like freaks, take our vitamins, eat well, all in hopes to live these super long lives. She's 90. No one's left for her. I don't want to end up like her. Waiting to die, depending on strangers to wipe my butt. So depressing. I remember seeing my dad's mom feeble like that, in her nursing home, she couldn't even feed herself but her mind was sharp. She was so lonely, just wanted to die. I fed her. My aunt got mad at me because she wanted my grandma to do it for herself. But she didn't have the strength. So I fed her. God I hate that memory.

Anyways my point with the whole grandma tangent was to tell you I'd be going to Pensacola over Spring Break. To help with the move. Yippie kie yie yay.

Here's To Traditions

Christmas!

Games played and no one got in a fight...check.
Cookies baked and none burnt...check.
Shellfish dinner and no one got sick...check.
Presents opened and no one was forgotten...check.
Movies watched and I stayed through the duration....check.

Looks like I can officially declare this one over and complete. Phew!

Waiting

It's complicated.

The whole moving out thing.
Him, not me. Mostly it's complicated because splitting up the money, the bills, makes it so. Sort of drags it on. Neither of us is exactly for sure how and when to do it. Leaves me stuck in a purgatory state of existence.

The one thing I learned from this one is that love actually ISN'T enough. Because there is love there. On both our sides.

The bag of gravel is still in there, still weighing me down.

It's just complicated.

Wasted

How strange.
The "breakup phase".
Acting like polite acquaintances.
Avoiding each other.
I feel like I swallowed an entire bag of gravel.
The thing is, I know this will pass. I know I will be fine. But for right now, it sucks. I'm all the typical things--hurt, angry, scared, and I don't feel like letting go of them just yet. Leave me down here on the cold saltillo tile floor...its oddly comforting against my flushed face. I'll stand back up again. Just no time soon.

Currently I'm: Sipping on a red wine, sitting on my foot. As usual, whenever I'm blogging.

Wearing: Grey hollister tee with comfy stretch low rise jeans and black socks with no holes.

Last thing I ate: Boca burger somewhere under a mound of ketchup and mustard.

Days till birthday: 350 (which means I'm safe for now)

I typically make a few homemade presents each year for the big Bah Humbug day. This year, I'm doing snowglobes and bracelets. I did two bracelets today--soooo pretty! Don't you wish you were the lucky recipient??? Too bad, so sad.

The snowglobes, grrrr, have become the bane of my existence. I had no problem decorating them, mind you. Stuff like that is second nature for me. The one for my mom has a folk-artsy feel--with random words in various colors decoupaged around the base, all having to do with family. I used tiny heart buttons around the words and put one button on the very top of the globe part. Nice! The other two I've done so far are completely different but I'm too lazy (and already bored with this, yawn) to explain. The problem has been getting photos that are supposed to go inside the globes--the whole POINT of these particular globes. I've been TRYING to get Tyler here so I can get some photos of all of us to go inside the stupid globes. BUT NO! He keeps standing me up and has a million excuses. He's even NOT answering his phone tonight. The globes HAVE to get mailed out on Monday or they won't arrive by Xmas! I've looked through all my photos for a recent one of me and Tyler and Mackenzie, but no luck. So! I'm irritated with my first born. I'm at his mercy right now. He is SOOOO on the naughty list this Christmas.

I got my dad one of those digital photo viewer keychains for Festivus. I was a tad disappointed that the pictures are SO SMALL you can't make out who is who! I thought about mailing along a magnifying glass, but whatever, I'm over it. I spent a great portion of the day editing photos to just be heads so he actually has a slight chance of identifying the photos as humans instead of pizzas (cuz that's what they look like, seriously).

I don't know what to think about the cop. Apparently I'm supposed to forgive and forget and move forward with him as if nothing happened. As if he didn't break his pact to me. As if he wasn't indignant and mean about it when I called him on it. I ask for one thing from him. One. To sacrifice drink 7,8,9.... for me. To stop. And he can't. The thing that kills me the most is that he gives very little effort in this relationship. I do bills, shopping, majority of cleaning, mail, laundry--and I do it happily. He has a GREAT sex life with me, and we get along like best friends. Basically, he's spoiled rotten by me and has a great setup here. Things are not balanced when he can't even live up to the one thing that I ask. I don't know what to do. I feel angry and betrayed. I feel that he lied to me, disrespected me in full view. I feel like we've taken a giant step backwards--when I was just ready to make that final commitment forwards. Marrying him now is not anywhere near an option. The only way I'd ever consider it is if he gave up drinking altogether, and he won't. He was ready to leave me when I wanted him to stop at 6! There's no way he'll ever fully quit, and there's very little hope that he can handle stopping at 6 for the rest of his life. I don't even know why we should bother continuing on since there's no goal in front of us. Sigh. Love stinks.

But ya know what DOESNT stink??? One more week of work, fine strangers, and then a FABULOUS 2 1/2 week break!!!!! Lemme hear ya say "WOO WOO"!!!!!

How Much is a 6-Pack Worth To You?

Currently I'm: Dumping all my music from my laptop to CD's, then on to my desktop's Itunes. Can you say TIMECONSUMING!

Wearing: Victoria's Secret red striped lounge pants with long-sleeved red shirt that says "Goodnight Gorgeous" on it, with "Love Pink" in Silver up the arm.

Last Thing I Ate: Sausage made out of Chicken, Turkey, and Green Chile and some veggies, SO GOOD! Also had criss-cross fried potato thingies and about a gallon of ketchup.

Day's till Birthday: 351 (phew! that took some brain power!)

Pam's been hooking me up with these "presenter" gigs around the country. Its quite fabulous, I just do presentations on Adapted PE related topics. I have one in Denver in June that comes with a 900 buck stipend plus an all-expense paid trip! Pam has all this pull in the Sport and PE world with her new position in Atlanta....It's good to have hooked up friends! I'd still rather have her living here again, but who knows. Maybe I will end up there! At this point, there's really nothing keeping me in Albuquerque. Kenzie would love a change. Tyler is still here finishing college, but that's only temporary anyways. He won't stay here after college. And he lives in the dorms, so me moving wouldn't be a huge drama.

It appears the cop and I are at the beginning of the end. Things have been fabulous except one little problem he has. I gave him an ultimatum and he didn't pick me. Apparently, I'm worth less than a 6-pack a night. I wasn't even asking much--just to keep it UNDER the 6-pack, but he can't. So! He's moving out so he can drink to oblivion without anyone watching and seeing how disgusting it gets. Yes, I'm sad of course, but truth is, I feel more sorry for him than anything. My life will go on and get more and more fabulous. His life is going to be a long trip sliding down a steep muddy slope.

I've always wanted to live by the ocean...

Aging, Metabolisms, Expensive Sisters, and Broken Backs

Currently I'm: sucking on a gin & tonic, sitting on my left foot with my right leg bent up pressed against my, ummm, chest region, actually.

Wearing: A new birthday brown loungewear set that's soooo comfie and cute! Thanks, sis!

Last thing I ate: Veggie pizza with herbed salad mix on the top and doused with salad vinegar.

Days till birthday: 354

I just realized I'm gonna have to rename this blog in a mere three years! Yikes! 40 something and fabulous? More like 40 something and fat--the way I eat. I'm not sure why I stay fairly small, good genes I guess. My caloric intake is insane. My friends are disgusted, awed, and jealous all at the same time. Pam keeps telling me I'm gonna pork out one of these days. Probably true.

The big sis is coming to Marty's City for 2 weeks over the new year. I'm happy to have her, but concerned about the financial strain as she has big tastes. She's used to me taking her out to fabulous Albuquerque haunts and then me footing the bill, being she's broke. Then of course we have to do Santa Fe cuz all out-of-towners expect that free chauffered tour. Anyways, if I don't write in January, just know I'm probably in jail due to enormous amounts of overdrafts and debt. Joy to the world. Isn't there ANY single males out there who will take her off my and my family's hands?????? She's quite cute, extremely smart, and has a good job as a banker. She's just dumb when it comes to money and shopping. Let me know if you want her, I'll wrap her up with a big red bow and send her your way for the New Year.

My back is a wreck from overtraining this week. A reminder of my age, I guess. I had run 5 miles on Wednesday, which is fairly mellow for me as I like big miles, and then I had done some serious plyometrics. The next day I could barely walk. I'm still out of commission a week later, and suspect perhaps even a hairline fracture. From jumping like a freak to cranked Joan Osbourne on the Ipod. Jeez.

Fellow teachers, only a week and half to our super-fantabulous BREAK! 18 straight days of pretending we don't have jobs--of doing whatever the heck we want! Let's all do a WHOOP-WHOOP while leaping off our computer chairs, READY? GO! (Yowchers! My back!)

Does anybody out there doubt that Tila's going to pick Bobby? Seriously, that's such a no-brainer. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Danny--that's one cool butchy chick. But Tila goes for the lipstick lesbo's, sorry Danny.

My b-day's been here and gone! I ran 6.2 miles that morning just to remind myself that aging can be fabulous. The cop SPOILED ME ROTTEN this year. Diamond earrings, diamond necklace, two dozen white roses, and a giant 5-layer chocolate cake with enough frosting to go skinny dipping in. I know cuz I did it, heh heh.

Locals, your next special occasion, go hit Restaurant Antiquity in Old Town. Request the back booth--totally private, noone can see you. We were spoiled by our waiter Steven. It was the best dining experience possibly ever that I've had. I can't gush enough about this place.

Have I mentioned my new friend Carolyn I've been trying out? See the thing is, I've lost 2 friends recently--Pam, because she moved (CRY!) and Marissa because she's a liar and I'm a bit picky about things like that. Anyhoo, I potentially have a bit of room in the inner Stef circle so I've been giving Carolyn a shot. She's a teacher hottie I've known for years. She came over for drinkies last night, it was nice. She's having some man issues. They go like this....he's not that into her and she's in denial about that. We haven't been friends long enough for me to talk to her like I would my inner posse. This is what I wanted to say: Girl, you are being a dumb weak needy female! Buck up and go find someone who makes you feel fabulous! But we aren't there yet. I hope she isn't too pathetic and doesn't become one of those friends who sucks the life out of others. She's on posse probation at the moment, we shall see if I keep her around or not...

Margaret's having a Xmas party--the whole dress up kind. Should be a blast! Maybe I'll bring Carolyn and try her out on my other friends.

Dear Mayor Martin Chavez,
I voted for you twice. Will you PLEASE pay me back by giving APD that huge ass rumored RAISE we keep hearing about???? No one should have to risk their life in the most violent city in the US for all of 19 bucks an hour. Its a joke. Nothing less than 25 bucks should be acceptable. And thanks for not returning any of my emails I've sent you recently on this issue. Glad to know my voice is heard.

I'm almost to the point where I think I want to declare Thanksgiving as my favorite holiday. This is what I like about it:

1) No gift pressure

2) No high expectations

3) Food and family

4) Simplicity

It's been probably 5 years now since my Thanksgiving fiasco....the one where I announced I was "NEVER COOKING THANKSGIVING MEAL EVER AGAIN!" I'm pretty much over it, the whole putting the turkey in the oven, leaving with the family to see Harry Potter, and then arriving home only to find I had NEVER TURNED ON THE OVEN. I handled it in typical Stef fashion...a big temper tantrum, much foot stomping, and a trip to Marie Callendar's--all the while the kids giving me about a 10' berth. At that time, Thanksgiving was ranked way down there below President's Day. Now, its all the way up there at the top, even higher than Halloween!

Tyler, my cheesy 19 year old, has the Gobble Day all planned out. Besides football, there'll be game-playing (Life, Dominoes, and god know what else), movie watching, Xmas decoration hanging, and much food eating. Tyler's all excited he's going to make a homemade apple pie with his girlfriend Anna (their idea, I just wanted to buy one from the VI). Tyler is great amusement for the rest of us residing at Cambria Road...mostly because he's so odd. How many 19 year old boys do you know who want to play Life and bake apple pies and hang Xmas decorations? He's heavy into "family." I tease him relentlessly, we all do, but truth is, I'm proud.

He's also coming over Turkey Friday to babysit Mackenzie, my 10th grader. Pam's coming to town, crashing with me instead of her folks so she can do her wild child thing. The last time Pam was here, I left Kenzie home alone while Pam, The Cop, Steve, and I went to Whisque and downed multiple mojitos. Kenzie had her friend Zach over (without asking me! Grrrr...) who brought 2 of his friends with (Tamon and Loretta) that Kenzie didn't know. They lifted her laptop right out of her room. She didn't even know it till the next day, and even then wouldn't believe it. Long story short, we got the laptop back, but I have no plans to leave her alone anymore. So! Tyler's babysitting.

YAY BADGERS!

Jeez Lou-freaking-weez!

I just read the last 4 blog entries I wrote and can't BELIEVE what a Debbie Downer I have become! Seriously, I've got such a great life with loads of great happenings, but it seems all I ever get on here and write about anymore is the ho hum ding dang dungbombs in my life! Enough's enough! (Mind you, I WAS getting on to bitch about Kenzie's laptop that got stolen by some idiot friends she had over, how the cop went to the kids' school and got it back....but nope, not now.)

I never told you how the Vegas birthday bash went! The cop and I had SO MUCH FUN! His BBS (big birthday surprise) was driving 8 laps in a NASCAR around the LV Motor Speedway! I surprised him with it over a fabulous dinner at a steakhouse in the Monte Carlo. Man, that boy was eating out of my HANDS. He told me, "you're so perfect!" How cute. Well of course I am, you silly cop! The cop used to live in Vegas so it was fun seeing all his old haunts. Of course, there was lots of drinking--I discovered a love for Rum Runners served out of ginormous football shaped mugs! I'm also a sucker for great shellfish and I loved one night of gorging on buckets FULL of crablegs--yum! I'm not very good at cracking them, and I love how the cop tends to feed me whenever we are doing shellfish--mmm, sexy.

So yeah, my post full of me whining about a chronic bladder infection???? Whatever, I'm so over it, I had pretty much pushed it out of my frontal lobe until I read it on here. Nothing ever came of it, I'm fine. A big old baby still, but fine.

AND! THE GRAND FINALE OF FABULOUS NEWS! Yvette and Chris are having baby Taylor on Monday! Their second! Remember when I wrote about their first baby, Christian? We blinked and now they are having baby two. Amazing. I'm throwing them an anti-shower in 2 weeks. Everyone has to bring a bottle of wine and a baby gift. We're doing a wine tasting party. I plan to get smashed.

Pam has been in and out of town since moving to Atlanta. She's trolling through the Atlanta single man pool as we speak. Her new thing when she comes to town is crashing with me one night so she can go out without having her parents know how late she is out. Is she 40 or 14? Jeez. No wonder she's my biffle, she's as imature as me. Next night I get to babysit her is Thanksgiving Friday. Apparently, there's big plans being made for us. I shall keep you posted.

Here's the only pic of me in Vegas....I took 60 pix, but me being the designated photo snapper, I'm not in any of them! At least I have this one, proof I really was there....

Oh yes, and by the way, all you fabulous fellow Badger fans, we kicked Michigan's tight little booties today! Donovan, you will be missed, but dang boy, you went out with a kickass BANG today! Mehopes to see your face in the pro's in the near future.

A Thought For My (And Your) Pea Brain to Ponder

But don't you see that the whole trouble lies here. In words, words. Each
one of us has within him a whole world of things, each man of us his own special
world. And how can we ever come to an understanding if I put in the words I
utter the sense and value of things as I see them; while you who listen to me
must inevitably translate them according to the conception of things each one of
you has within himself. We think we understand each other, but we never really
do.

-Luigi Pirandello, Six Characters in Search of an Author

Stolen from the first play I had to read way back when (don't ask when) in 105 Theater Appreciation. Its been my unsought Thought Theme for the past few weeks. Perhaps I've come down with a mild case of lonelyselfishitis. Nothing an anvil dropped on my pinky toe won't fix.

Tyler almost died once. It came back to me this weekend, during all the Mackenzie drama of the past two days. Its funny how the brain works that way, connecting one seemingly unrelated event back in time to another, leaving you wondering as the memory moves to the front of the line of budgers, "how did I get here?"

He was 13. I remember just when it was. September 7th 2001. He had had his tonsils removed the week prior. In the late hours of September 7th, he hemorraged. The artery wall erupted. Badly. Choking on blood, gargling it up, hours in the emergency room and no surgeon to be found. The nurse started to panic along with me as we watched him turn grey. This did not help matters, trust me. The nurse was yelling in the hall, "Where the fuck is the surgeon? We are going through way too many buckets way too fast!" Not just grey, but a smell. I think it was the smell of dying. They couldn't stop the blood. My heart stopped beating as I helplessly watched the nightmare before my eyes. Tyler looked at me with these numb eyes. I felt his fear and confusion. He couldn't speak. He started losing consciousness, passing out. Three hours later, a surgeon decided to get out of bed and amble over to save my son. I remember when they closed the doors to the surgery area, Tyler on the inside, me on the out, I fell. I had no more strength to stand, so I just dropped. I called Doug, my hubby at the time, and sobbed and sobbed. He knew nothing of the goings-on because my cellphone had died and I wouldn't leave Tyler's side. Doug rushed over. All ended well, but it still makes me sick and angry when I think about it. Albuquerque is not known for its efficient medical care. This was one of the two worst days of my life.

The other worst day was the day I boarded a plane for Detroit. I was flying to my death, at least in my head. In my husband's head, too, though he never said that out loud, but come on, we'd seen the statistics, knew my chances. I was flying to get my brain turned off by some Super-surgeon who was going to attach my vertebral arteries to my carotids since it appeared my vertebrals had decided to snag like a pair of cheap pantyhose. My brain wasn't getting enough blood. I was dying. The worst place to develop a life-threatening condition, dear strangers, is Albuquerque, New Mexico. No one here knew what to do with me. Hence, the Detroit send-off. I had been dealing with the dissections for a year by the time I was shipped up North. Heck I even had to self-diagnose and request the angiogram that proved I should have gone to med school and my Dr. who thought I was faking the symptoms should have been a cosmetologist or something. On that dreaded day, saying goodbye to my children....I can't even type what it was like, I don't want to remember. I can't go back there yet. But an odd thing happened in Detroit. In just a few weeks time, my snags in my pantyhose arteries went from ripped all the way up in my brain to HEALED. The Detroit team was baffled. I didn't get it. The nurse said, "Take the miracle and don't look back."

Mackenzie had her worst day ever this past Saturday. She lost her long beautiful hair to a botched bleaching process. I'm glad we do not live in the proximity of any cliffs, because Kenzie would've jumped, it was that devastating. I had to slip her a sleeping pill that night to keep her from hunting down any high ledges. Thank you goddesses of vanity and Jessica Simpson for creating hair extensions! Although her length is gone and what's left on the bottom half of her head is fried, you wouldn't know it from looking at her, thanks to the fabulous synthetic barbie hair she has clipped in where her real hair used to be. But hark! Hair grows back. This too will pass.

What a Debbie Downer of a post.

Question of the Day

Is it better to be loved yet misunderstood or to be understood yet not loved?

The cop's birthday is coming up at the end of September. The plane tickets to Vegas are bought, the car is rented, and the Hooters Hotel awaits. Yes, Hooters has a hotel. Woo hoo, Hooters (said with lugubrious excitement). I know, I know, I'm a great girlfriend, taking my man to Vegas and Hooters for his special day--and that's not the half of it because there's a surprise or two hidden behind door one. In actuality, the trip will be a blast for me too, and I'm looking forward to it.

Cambria Road has been a tad rocky as of late, as I try to maneuver past the constant potholes left in the cop's wake. I'm at a place where I'm pulled over at the side of the road, so to speak, weighing my options. The road I see to the left looks wide and comfy. Room for two to sail along. But who knows what's further down, beyond the point that I can see? Could it be a ruse? My gut screams, "It is! It is! Turn right!" Though is it my gut or my heart?

I'm a bit scared of the cop. Don't take that wrong, he's kind and good. I'm scared about what appears to be a case of mutual and perpetual misunderstanding of one another. So I sit here staring at the fork. The road to the right looks rather crepuscular and lonely, but perhaps that's the challenge. Or would turning right be further proof that I'm doomed to whirl through life making grave errors and endless miscalculations? Yeah that's me, little Miss Whirling Dervish, oops! Just whirled into a brick wall.

He has issues. I have issues. His might be bigger than me. So I sit here. Looking left and right. Idling. Idoling. Idylling.

I think I'm just overly tired.

Ode to the King of Sadism

I was thinking about the Marquis de Sade today. No, people, I'm not some sort of weirdo meanie debauchee with a basement full of masochists wearing leather masks and vinyl body suits with the crotch torn out (sorry to disappoint you), I was simply off on a derailed train of thought. Pre-derailment, I was thinking about my daughter and the travails of teen life. Mackenzie is fifteen. 10th grade. Is it just me or does society seem to brush aside the role of the teen as rather insignificant and innocuous?

This is what I was thinking about today. The false tenet that this age group, whose members are REALLY only about two in dog years, is relatively harmless and needs very little brain time in a world with MUCH BIGGER PROBLEMS. But there's a bigger truth here and we all know it because we were there once, in the Land of Raging Hormones and Clunky Body Parts. And now we get to how I got derailed--because I was thinking about what a bunch of fragile SADISTS teenagers truly are. So pervious to the cruel theatrics of their peers yet so cruel to their pervious counterparts....my god there's no way in purgatory I would EVER step into a time vessel and go back there.

The Marquis de Sade must be looking up from the fire pits of Hell and smiling as he watches his little proteges, the transcendent teens of the cultured world, follow not all that far away from his footsteps.

Sigh....

Been having sleeping issues lately, its weird. I've always been one of those "can fall asleep with the snap of my fingers" type people. Dr. prescribed me Ambien. Nice stuff for sleeping, but then I feel buzzed the whole next day, as if I just had a glass of red wine, that kind of buzz--which isn't the worst feeling in the world. I'm trying to use them sparingly, and only half at a time. The sleeping issues aren't out of the blue. I've got something going on in my bladder, it feels like a constant bladder infection, that feeling like I've got a thousand papercuts in my bladder that someone's continously pouring battery acid over. Feeling like I have to pee in the worst way, only there's nothing there. Probably will end up being Interstitial Cystitis, which is a big way of saying an irritated bladder, and there's no cure for it. It comes out of the blue, no one knows why. Testing is next week. I'm having a hard time dealing with the constant pain which has been going on since June. Trying to figure out how one goes on living a normal life while feeling this way. I'm pretty down about it.

Rage Against (Creepy Old Guys) and the Machine

Its actually Monday evening the 13th, not sure why Blogger's showing it as yesterday. Whatever.

Grrrr!

Warning...bitch session follows:

Setting: At the gym on the second treadmill from the far end, with about 10 treadmills to my right open, and the one against the wall to my left open. The gym was dead, it was about 2pm today.

Protagonist: Well, that would be me. This is my story, of course I'm the good guy!

Antagonist: Creepy Old Guy (COG from here on out). Truth be told, he wasn't really that old, but still, he was yucky.

I was almost 5 miles in to a nice little run, my goal was 6. Rage Against the Machine cranking in my ears at the moment in question, keeping me all pumped up. I was in my own little world, feeling motivated and running strong.

Enter COG. Yup. He sidled up and appeared out of nowhere on the treadmill against the wall to my left, even though there was a row of 10 open ones all along my right. I looked down the row of treadmills all open, and I wondered, why did he take the one RIGHT NEXT TO ME?

Slightly irritated I began forgetting about it until he started the chicken wings thing as he was walking. You know, flapping like a bird, up and down with his arms in some pathetic attempt at arm stretching--which is oh so important when YOU'RE RUNNING! Yes, we all need to remember to flap, flap, flap those arms before a freaking TREADMILL workout cuz you don't want to get carpal tunnel or anything from all the strain of, you know, WALKING!

But I digress. Back to the bitch session:

As he was flapping, he hit me. Well it wasn't actually a "hit", more like a brush. BUT EWWWWW! I looked over cuz I wasn't sure if he just nudged me to get my attention and tell me something, but he kept doing the flapping thing as I looked over and I could see him mouth, "sorry!". I smiled through clenched teeth and through the cranked Rage song,"Killing In the Name Of...". Oh the irony.

Now I'm running totally irritated and creeped out. Can't even hear the music, I lost my stride. The treadmill turned over 5 miles.

He FLAPPED ME AGAIN! I couldn't believe it. His flap hand once again brushed down my bare arm.

And I looked down the row of totally open treadmills and was completely perplexed WHY HE WASN'T WAY THE HELL DOWN THERE! I mean, come on, I was there first! I always give people space!

After the second flap attack, I had had it. I slammed my hand hard against the STOP button. COG was staring at me the whole time. I kinda felt that second brush was intentional, cuz he was looking at me, too, but who knows, maybe I'm way off.

I stormed outta there and beelined home and hit the shower---obsessively washing my left arm, mind you.

In closing, I just want to point out that for the most part, I'm pretty freaking nice! But here's some advice: don't touch me if I don't know you, and definitely, DEFINITELY don't mess with my workouts.

Okay I'm back. Big Brother's over and there were no big surprises since I already knew everything that happened. Jessica put Dick and Danielle on the block days ago, yet that's what aired tonight. They try to build the suspense, "Who will win Power of Veto? Tune in Tuesday..." Any Big Brother fan already knows Dick won it and rubbed it in quite nicely. I'm not a fan of anyone in the house this season so don't even bother asking me. However I love Jen's ability to remain unphased. Wish I could be like that.

Summer's over, school starts on Tuesday. Teachers headed back already last week. Its fine with me cuz I've been extremely bored. Here's the highlights of my summer after the Minnesota trip.

1) I helped Lyn and Rita paint/border the nursery for their Guatemalan baby boy they are adopting! Kasen. We still don't know when he'll arrive, but they have photos and a video and he's SO CUTE!

2) I went to a Mojito's and Manicures Girls Night Out at the Melting Pot. Three fabulous hours with my fabulous friend Margaret (yes I see I used fabulous twice, get over it. Its my favorite word), the one who turned 30 recently and had the surprise School Girls and Keggers party (scroll down for pix!). Fell in love with flavored Mojito's...

3) Had 14 friends over for a "Make Your Own Pie!" night (say it with a Kramer voice). I grilled a bazillion little pizza crusts (yes, grilled. Homemade, too!). Then put out a bazillion toppings and people made their own pizzas! The cop was a fabulous partner in crime on this endeavor. He worked his cute little butt off cooking everybody's pizzas--such a fun night.

Those were the highlights that stick out in my head, but there were other adventures, too. Mackenzie's birthday was August 4th. The cop, Tyler, Kenzie's friend Lauren, and I all went to Boston's for dinner which was fun. The cop teased her relentlessly and it was just an all-around good night. Left the girls at the movies to meet up with a big group of friends, and then later picked them up and four girls spent the night.

Oh yeah, I also did some minor house stuff--cleaned/organized the garage, painted laundry room and put up a shelf, snore.

Last week, went out with the cop and some cop friends to Whisque, the new fancy restaurant just down the road. I discovered their fresh Blackberry Mojitos. Oh my, my, my. They use all fresh juices and then real blackberries floating in with the mint and limes. HEAVEN!

Last night, went to Sandia Casino with two friends, Gloria and Margaret, and we sat on the 9th floor outdoor rooftop bar, watched the sun setting over the city and the city lights. So nice!

I hurt my ankle running in Minnesota, so I haven't been running as much. I started weightlifting again, which is really good for me. Although, yesterday I was on the treadmill for an hour and 45 minutes (I only ran 5 miles though, walked the rest) so I think I'm getting back in my bad habits.

Which reminds me, Mackenzie and I actually went for a run together the other night! It was so weird, she came in my room at about 8pm (I was folding laundry) and said, I'm bored. I suggested the run thinking she'd give me the look and go away, but she actually said, okay. Pleasant surprise! Maybe she's growing out of the "my mom is a fungus growing under my armpit" phase....

Currently I'm: waiting for Big Brother 8 to start
Last thing I ate: Chocolate ice cream with Reeses Peanut Butter cups in it
Days till birthday: 110

Haven't been here in awhile. Let me wrap up the Hummingbird saga quickly, cuz I'm over it...

Mackenzie had a friend overnight and at 4am in the morning they decided to go play in the backyard. That was the last anyone ever saw of Mama Hummer. She abandoned the nest. My guess is she got spooked by the girls in the yard, blindly flew away in the dark, and hit a tree or house or something. I thought about saving the egg, but then read that newborn hummers need drinks every 20 minutes. So! The nest is still up and the egg is rotting in it.

On to the quail now.... After I saved the 12 babies from the hole in the front yard (scroll down to see the pix), Daddy-o decided he liked the yard and hung around with his babies for a week or so. Last count, there were 4 babies left. What a good daddy, though. He never abandoned them even through all the drama.

Crap, BB8's on, more later....

Hummingbird Adventures #3 and Quail Adventures #5

The hummingbird momma has been gone from the nest since I woke up this morning and its now after 2pm. I've been wringing my hands about this all day. She's never left this long before. She was in the nest last night...last check around midnight, so I don't know what happened between then and 8am. The plan is, if she doesn't show up by dark, I'm going to take the nest down and somehow keep the egg warm. Try to incubate it myself. I'll google this for advice. There's no way the egg would make it through the cold high desert night without its momma. Not sure if its alive even now, all's I can do is try, though.

Daddy-o, my nickname for the single dad quail who lives in my frontyard, was out feeding with 3 of the 13 babies this morning. I snapped this picture of him then, but the babes ran in the bush. I'm worried about the other babies, not sure if they made it. I guess the whole adventure of saving them from the tube they fell in (see the pic of them in it below, its really cool) wasn't enough for a "happily ever after" ending for this family.

Quail Adventures, Episode #4

Daddy-o and babes are still around. See him on the little wall at my neighbor's house in the pic? They come and go, I never know when I'm going to see them. When I do, they are either in our yard, or either house to the side of us. Last night, however, he only had one baby with him AGAIN! We worried, did the others fall in another hole???? Get eaten???? That's when I snapped the pic, last night when he only had one with him. Daddy-o turned up again today, around 10:30am this morning, with four babies. Perhaps he just takes a few out hunting at a time? I'm not going to worry about it.

Here's an odd thing, though. This morning when he was pecking around the front grass with the four babies, there were also four sparrows with them. The sparrows were not being aggressive, but they were not feeding either. They were just walking along with the quail, watching them. There was one point when Daddy-o crossed the yard to the neighbor's, one of his babes got separated and stayed in our grass. The four sparrows surrounded him. Circled him like a gang of bullies. I worried they were going to get aggressive and was about to go outside to chase them off. But the little quail started hopping towards some flowers and the sparrows backed off and made space for him to go. The sparrows never touched him. Then I could hear daddy-o calling from the neighbor's yard. I'm assuming he noticed he had lost one of his little guys, hence the calling.

I wonder about these sparrows. What is their goal? Why do they tag along? Daddy-o didn't seem too concerned about it. I read that quail are not territorial, so that makes sense. They seem to just pretend the sparrows don't exist. But what do the sparrows want with the quail? Are sparrows voyeurs? Simply enjoying watching the new kids on the block?

Hummingbird Adventures Episode #2

Good and bad news with the Hummingbird saga. Bad news first....an egg has fallen from the nest. Good news is...there's still one left in the nest and momma Hummer is guarding it fiercely.

We've been trying to figure out what happened to the fallen egg. Only two theories hold. Number One: Momma threw it out of the nest. Number Two: Some sort of predator got up there and did it.

The weather's been great here. No wind or precip can be blamed. The nest is so deep the egg couldn't have fallen accidentally. Perhaps the momma cracked it herself, accidentally? Then threw it out? I don't know. Notice in the pic with the cracked egg you can see the wood screw above it. I just wanted to point that out so you get an idea how super tiny these eggs are. Not much bigger than the head of a wood screw.

Quail Adventures, Episode #3

Great news!


Daddy-o came back! Still toting his solo baby quail behind. I called the bird expert, Meg Darling, and she told me to take the other 12 babies trapped in the tube out, that they are stupid little guys and probably had just fallen in. She also said that whole thing about human scent on them making the parents abandon them is a myth. She said dig right in a pull them out. Daddy-o would come for them.

That's what I did! It was really hard getting a grip on them without squishing them, they are sooo tiny! I knew Daddy-o was watching from a bush close by. Tyler and I had made a nest the other day for them, so I put them in it as I pulled them out, but that was pretty much a joke as they all hopped right out of the nest and made a beeline for the closest bush. All except one, that is. He decided to head in another direction. After a brief and exciting hunt for the loner, we found him and corralled him back to his brothers and sisters. All were together in their bush, about 10 feet away from Daddy-o's bush. Our job was done. The cop and I went in the house and waited in the window. About 10 minutes later, daddy-o responded to the chirping. He called back as he crossed the lawn to his babies. More talking amongst them, the family was reunited!

Daddy-o took his babies across the lawn and back to his bush. We said our goodbyes. They are on their own now.
Check how how far down the tube my arm is, shows you how deep they were. This last picture you have to look closely. Daddy-o is on the wall, leaning down, talking to his babies that are scattered in the rocks. That's his bush home to the right. There's a nosy sparrow sitting on the wall to the left, but Daddy-o showed him who was boss and the sparrow quickly flew off.

Quail Adventures, Episode #2

Got up early, couldn't sleep, cuz the Quail daddy-o has left. Didn't hear him all night. The babies at this moment are cold and sleeping and trying to get to the bottom of the pile in the tube they remain trapped in. In an hour, I'm calling my last hope for advice....a couple here in ABQ with an interest in birds. No one else city employed will help. FRUSTRATING! I want to know if I should try putting some food down there, or if we should just free them and hope for the best. The cop thinks maybe daddy-o will come back, but he's never left before, even with us lurking around. Daddy-o took his one baby with him, so weird.

The cool thing about quail is that they are pretty self-sufficient shortly after hatching. They could forage for their own food. So, if we take them out of the tube, they could find food. We have various natural food sources for them in the yard. The only problem is they have no protection from predators, and they are so small. The tube provides them with safety but starvation. Freedom provides them with the opposite. We need advice.

Hummingbird Adventures Episode #1

As if the Quail family in the front yard wasn't enough, we have a Hummingbird nest in the back! Remind me, am I living in the city of Albuquerque as I thought, or some wildlife refuge in the middle of a freaking jungle?

We found the nest embedded on some dangling Christmas lights around the back deck's roof. Looks like there's two eggs in there but there could be three. I shot the photo quickly when momma bird left the yard. She built it while we were on our Minnesota trip. She seems pretty tolerant of us thus far. Except for a freak moment last night, that is.

The hummer tried to peck our heads off last night. There was smoke coming from all over the neighborhood around 10pm, so the cop and I went in the backyard trying to look over the fence towards the arroyo, because our backyard is untouched open space, looking for the fire source. The hummer went crazy! It was dark, she couldn't see well, and we were in her space at night. NOT GOOD! She was trapped under the deck roof, too, and appeared to panic when she thought she couldn't get free. We made it back inside after lots of screaming and panicking (that woulda been me) and learned our lesson. She's on her eggs right now as I type, and spends most of her time there. We avoid the backyard as much as we can so she can incubate without freaking out and leaving.... By the way, we never found the fire source. Just loads of smoke. It must have put itself out, perhaps a tiny brush fire?

Look closely at this last photo, you'll see the momma hummer in the nest. That's as close as she'll let me get. Its ALOT smaller than it looks.

Quail Adventures, Episode #1

It all started with an unusual bird call that went on ALL NIGHT. In the morning, the cop found the guilty party...a redheaded, black plumed, male Gambel quail (see second picture, that's him)! The thing wouldn't leave our yard. We thought it was injured. I even called wildlife rescue to come get it, but when they arrived, the bird was gone...only to turn up later of course, once the bird cop left. We marvel now, that we never even considered he was protecting his offspring.

Tyler found them, about 12 of them, down in a PVC pipe drain in our front yard. It juts out of our landscape rocks. The quail are about a foot down the pipe, piled on top of each other, trapped. Our initial reaction was to move them to save them, but then theorized their dad put them down there for a reason. Like any good parent, he's keeping his offspring safe. Amazing.

Here's an interesting tidbit....the dad has one chick with him, out of the drain. It follows him around wherever he goes. Why is this, we wonder? No clue. Another interesting fact is that the mom is nowhere in sight. Gone. Amazing that the dad has taken on full-time single parent role.

The Journey Home

People I've got sooooo much to tell you I feel like a kid at Show and Tell!!!! I'm just freshly back from my Minnesota slash Wisconsin trip, seeing the fam and the old stomping grounds. I HAD THE BEST TIME EVER!!!! I'm really shocked about this! Usually visits home, well I'm just gonna come out and say it, they suck. I mean COME ON! What grown wandering child enjoys journeying back to the place they couldn't wait to get away from?

I think there's two factors that made this a dream trip. Number one, my dad was only there for three of the ten days--had to leave for work in Indiana. Number two, and here's the biggie, the cop came with me!

Here's the thing. I graduated high school from a town of 1,000 people. And I didn't even live in the town, I came from a house on a golf course in the boonies about 8 miles away. The other town close by has 600 residents and no public school which is why I had to bus to the bigger of the two towns. This is all in Minnesota, however, life occurred across the river in La Crosse Wisconsin. That's just where you go. Still today, when people ask me where I'm from, I flub up and say Wisconsin. Its a little confusing because I never actually lived in Wisconsin, but I spent most of my waking hours there, even went to college there, so I feel like I'm FROM there.

Life in this little nook of the country revolves around the Mississippi River. This visit home, the cop learned that firsthand. He fell in love with it. All of it. La Crosse, the river, Minnesota, the niceness of the people, my family, my old friends, just everything. He wants to move there! Okay time for my show and tell pictures, here we go:

The first one is the cop when we took a happy hour cruise on the Island Girl...free pizza and drinkies with the 15 dollar boat ride, NICE! Second picture is the cop on my parents' golf course.

Third picture is me at Lake Pepin, which is actually a REALLY wide part of the Mississippi in Lake City, Minnesota famous for sailboating.

Next pic is the cop mowing my parents' lawn which he COULDN'T WAIT to do! Remember, people, we come from the desert, where grass and riding lawn mowers are rarities.

This one is me and the cop with my neices (the short ones) and my sis (the dork doing the arm thing, mimicking the statue that you can't see all of). Next is my sis and me with my mom at Riverside park in LaCrosse, about to board the LaCrosse Queen for a champagne brunch. Next, Kenzie and her cousins in my parents' front yard, then Kenzie with me. Finally, the cop drinking a Totally Naked at Bodega Brew Pub on 4th St. Lacrosse. That's Ty in the background, a friend of my sis's, who I love cuz he thought I was 23. We were only gonna do happy hour, but ended up here for 5 hours before walking down the street and singing karaoke. Well, the cop sang. And Ty sang. Me and my sis were happy to taunt them from the audience.

This is 4th St. LaCrosse from the Bodega. A perfect rainy evening to stay bellied up! We ordered Rocky Rococco's from across the street and ate in the bar. Dang I have a thing for Rocky's! And the grand finale picture is the cop bringing me my Mike's Light Lemonade cuz we were RIVERFESTING on the 4th of July, baby! Its when he had his first ever taste of fried cheese curds which we got from the Rocky's tent. YUM!

I know this kind of crap, someone recounting a trip, is SOOO boring and monotonous so if anyone read this far I'd be shocked. Here's what I've noticed with blogging. At least my style of blogging. I don't write for you. I write for me. For an account of My Life. A footprint left, to prove I was here. I like to go back and read things from my past. Reminders, you know? About where I've been.

This trip was a huge eye opener. To the beauty of the place that I couldn't wait to escape from. I saw it through someone else's eyes. In a way I never saw it before. So I blog, I put up my trip pix, cuz I don't want to ever forget that the place I grew up hating doesn't exist. In its place, in the SAME map point, rests a tiny treasure.

On Neglect and Nurture

I'm troubled.

Tyler (my college 180lb baby) was here last night with me, hanging before he worked his night shift as a campus security guard. I breezily reminded him today was Father's Day, that he should call his dad. The reaction I got threw me.

When I spoke about calling daddy-o, there was an obvious stiffening. And Tyler didn't respond.

Me being the mum, the one who's known this kiddo since his bald red screaming face screeched into the world on my Senior Prom night, knew right away something was amiss.

But ALSO! Me being the mum, I know there's a time and place Tyler will talk (after all he IS a martian), and right then, if I woulda questioned his reaction, he woulda stayed in his clamshell. So! I waited.

A few hours later, I got him to that place where I knew he was ready for it.

"So, what's up with you and your dad?"

Tyler let out a big resigned sigh.

"Do you realize how long its been since he's called me? The last time was that call weeks ago asking me about health insurance, and how he was irritated your insurance covers me till I'm 25 and his doesn't. He didn't even want to talk about anything else or ask me about anything going on in my life....he just wanted to get off the phone."

So, now people, you get why I'm troubled. I could feel the hurt. It was like he was seven again. So innocent, so vulnerable.

He went on to tell me when he DOES talk to his dad, his dad only seems to talk about himself--never asks about Tyler. "And I have A LOT of cool stories to tell about my work!!!"

Tyler said he will NOT be calling his dad this Father's Day, that instead he's going to wait and see if his dad calls him.

This all makes me so sad. GOD! WHY DO WE PARENTS FUCK UP SOOOO BAD!!!! No wonder we are a society of dysfunctional adults! Its these LITTLE THINGS like not making the time for a freaking phone call that plant seeds of insecurity and worthlessness that FOREVER reside in the deep recesses of our heart valves. And we adults, we get so caught up in our own lusts, heartbreaks, and self-centeredness that we DONT EVEN REALIZE how we are impacting our offspring. I've said it before, its been a potholed road of parenting I've taken both Tyler and Mackenzie down. It will forever cast its shadow on them both.

There was a study done on nurtured mice and neglected mice. The neglected baby mice were only given fake mama mice in their box. The nurtured got their real actual mama's in their boxes. The point was, the nurtured baby mice would go out and about in their boxes, exploring the space, completely curious and interested in their surroundings--returning to the mama every now and then, only to go explore once again. The neglected mice stayed curled in a ball by their fake stuffed mama mice, never venturing around the space to explore, never demonstrating the confidence and curiosity or interest to explore seen in the nurtured mice. This speaks fucking volumes.

All's I thought of when Tyler opened up, was the mice study. I don't want him to be like the neglected mice. I already know a few neglected mice, and I couldn't STAND it if my own parenting led to another one set free on the world.

I told him, "Tyler, we parents fuck up ALOT. Your dad has definitely fucked up on this one. But he loves you. I know it. And I love you. I'm ALWAYS here for ya. Whatever you need."

Him, "I know. I love you too."

The "I love you's" flow freely in this house. And the hugs and kisses. We are very affectionate. Is that enough to keep him from curling in a ball? God I don't know. His fragile heart has already been through alot these 19 years. Life is soooo fucking hard sometimes.

Margaret! Awwww, The Big Three Oh!!!!!

Remember my Greece trip last summer? How I went with not just Ros who I blog about alot, but also Margaret who I NEVER seem to mention? Well, last night, Margaret turned 30! Her boyfriend threw her a School Girls and Principals surprise kegger! She had NO CLUE, it was awesome! That's her and Scott on the left, me in my finest Catholic schoolgirl attire on the right. The party was PACKED! Every room stuffed with bodies. That speaks volumes for how amazing she is---sooooo many friends! The night before we were out with them, too....at the new fancy shmancy Whisque Bar and Restaurant just down the road from my house. People, get the Ooey Gooey Cookie dessert thingy. Seriously. Orgasmic.

Margaret's SO FUN! She's a rare soul, that's for sure. Every positive personality trait you can name, she carries. Just thinking about her makes me smile. When I met her new boyfriend Scott for the first time recently, I was telling him how FUN she made Greece for me....he said, "Tell me about it, I went to Vegas recently with some friends and I told them, you guys suck, you're so boring, I'm calling Margaret!" He won me over with that. Margaret's in good hands.

Welcome to the 3rd---no! The 4th life decade my GREAT FRIEND! The door's wide open, come on in--don't be afraid! Its the most FABULOUS decade thus far!

The Making of a Salsa Partner

I must say, I'm quite pleasantly surprised how nicely the cop is taking to Salsa dancing! He's quite good already, after just a few weeks of lessons. I always wanted my VERY OWN PARTNER--now I've got it. My favorite thing is when we practice on the back deck, margarita's at our sides, various music genres blasting... I recommend dance lessons for any couple, truly. There's an unspoken communication that goes on, very sensual.

Hope You Fare Well, My Friend!!!!!!

Pam's the upside down one. Party was last night, this was us after a few marg's. She's here only a few more days!!!!!!!!!! My heart's kinda heavy about it.

I've had a few little quotes stuck in my head lately. For various reasons. Here, now you can have them:

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

Relationships are like buttons on an elevator. They will either take you up or they will take you down. (Ding! The Stef Elevator's doors are closing. Going Down!)

A person's true character is revealed by what he does when he thinks no one is watching.

If you are looking for faults to correct, try looking in a mirror.

Some people come into our lives, make footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere.

I'm having writer's block. I don't seem to have any of my own words anymore so I have to borrow from others. Maybe its cuz my own words don't seem so great these days, nothing good to talk about. Sigh. Whatever. We're done here.

While I'm On....

My big sis was here for the week! We had a FAB time, but dang I'm exhausted! She's 39 and single. If you are a fabulous Minney or Wisconney Martian, look her up! That's her on right, me and Tyler, my college kiddo, on left. Checkin' out the Petroglyphs. He's doin' some dorky pointing thing, looks like he's pointing at the volcanoes behind us, and is in desperate need of a haircut. Bottom pic is one of the petroglyphs. Its pretty cool to hike around the rocks and see various ancient drawings. Any visit to BaJerky is incomplete without a trip to the petroglyphs--so come visit us peepies!

Explaining Yesterday

Okay, 24 hours later and some profuse apologizing on the part of the cop, I'm rational now. Far from over it, just rational. Here's the down-low from my tirade yesterday:

The cop was looking at You Tube video's of skanky women doin' skanky stuff. On my computer! In a huff, I stormed out of the house. Came back an hour later, he packed up and left. But! Here's the kicker... After MY storm-out, he got back online and LOOKED AT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Didn't even bother to clear his history. I NEVER guessed he'd do that, I just was checkin' the history to see what EXACTLY he'd been looking at. That's how I found the SECOND batch of skank video's. Unbelievable.

It gets worse. When called and confronted with it, not only wasn't he remorseful, he was defensive and turned it on me!!!!!!!!!!! He started in on the whole recent drama fo yo mama....Matt and the emails. Suddenly I'm the freakin' bad guy! The whole conversation was sooo dysfunctional and twisted--ended up with him hanging up on me in the most MATURE fashion.

That's when I wrote yesterday's blog entry, right before heading out the door with Ros, who poured water over the smoke and fire spewing from my ears, as all good friends do.

Of course, the cop showed up late this morning suddenly ready to be apologetic and remorseful for being a stupid idiot. Swore he'd NEVER pull anything of the sort again, blah blah blah. I told him next time there's skank on my computer, its a dealbreaker. We are done. No questions, no talking, cuz I'm pretty sick of all the conflict that tends to follow him around and ends up rubbing up on me. I'm way too fabulous to have to deal with S and S. (skank and stupid idiots)

The guy for me, the one for me, will be sooooo into me, the only skank videos that will turn him on will be the ones we make together. I won't settle for any lesser Martians.

Or maybe I should just go lesbian.

Someone Get Me a Nailgun

Currently I'm: spitting nails

Mood: effing pissed (hence the nail spitting)

The cop. Can. Kiss. My. Tanned. Blonde Haired. Ass. But wait, maybe I better put it on a VIDEO and then put it on YOU TUBE so then he'd notice it. Effing creepy, that's what today was. I can't even go there. Leave me alone.

Flowers and Chance and Hurricane Katrina

Tyler came home at 4am Saturday night, after work, and left these flowers on the counter, just like you see 'em, so his lil ole mumsy would wake up and be all happy and surprised. Awwww! Even Mack came through this year....

Never you mind she's been salivating for months over Chance (she's a perfume addict), spotting my Mother's Day gift as her opportunity for killing two birds with one shiny gemstone. The cool thing here is she made the effort. And she pays attention--by knowing how I like Chance myself. Tyler has no clue, my likes and dislikes in the shopping department, but Mack knows me to a tee. I like that. The card she got me plays Mick Jagger's Mother's Little Helper. Ha! My latest nickname for her is Katrina. As in the hurricane. Cuz she blows through the house and leaves destruction and mess wherever she goes. Matter of fact, she was rather irritated with me last night cuz I couldn't stop with the Katrina's. Like I've said before, I'm easily amused. Anyhoo, Mother's Little Helper? Yeah right, my left bunion foot she's a mother's little helper.

But! All the years of stomping around the house pouting about being neglected on past Mothers Days finally paid off. Both my offspring, the Yin and the Yang, made efforts this year! I'm happy. They're healthy. Life is good.

Happy Mother's Day all you fabulous moms out there!

Question of the Day

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Happy Cinco de Mayo Fabulous Friends!

Currently I'm: Just getting back from hanging with Pam (its 10pm here in the Qwerky City)

Last thing I ate: Granola made by Costco's bakery--seriously the best granola in the world! Loads of various seeds and nuts and dried fruit

Days till birthday: 205

Current mood: Its a mixed bag tonight--excited (cuz sistah is rolling to town in about a week and I just found out!), tired (cuz of the drinkies from last night from Jill's bday festivities and the weird freaky dreams), relieved (cuz Tyler got Mackenzie's school trebuchet project done today, even though next week is his finals he still came and helped out, see pic)

First, a review on the whole Jillian and the whole second secret family drama (all newbies, read the last paragraph of the entry below this so you get it). Jill's dad, visiting from Chicago, came out with us last night as planned. I don't know what I expected, but there was no drama before my eyes. He looked like a normal, rotund, 60ish guy. He didn't look like the kind of liar slash cheater that could pull off having two families. Disappointing, I know. We were just a loud happy bunch sucking down Wine-A-Rita's, I've got no juicy stories to report, dangit! As of last night, Jill and her Martian parental unit had been too busy to talk about "it". They were acting as if nothing was wrong. It was kinda weird, sitting there knowing what I know about him, and not blurting out the bazillions of questions in my head:

1) Were you married to them both?

2) Did mommy #2 know about mommy #1?

3) Do your sons know about Jill?

4) Were you as close with your boys as you were with Jill?

5) How do you do taxes with two lives?

6) Did you go to your sons' school functions?

7) How did you pull off birthdays and holidays?

Probably another drink later they might have started slipping out under my breath. And gotten louder. And louder. Good thing we got outta there when we did.

I FINALLY got to Pam's today to see her rocks. She's home-repair retarded, so spreading rocks on her lawn was a big deal. I did the proper amount of hand-clapping and jumping up and down to make her feel big about it. She got all puffed up. And! The sign went in her front yard so it's official. House is on the market. Prepare yourselves, fine men of Atlanta, cuz this desert chica's a wild one! Alba-jerky won't be the same without her.

That's Pam and Dottie (who I call The Dotster, or The Damn Dog), my ward whenever Pam travels. Notice the amazing rock yard? Good girl, Pam! Clap, clap, clap! Whose fabulously exciting hot rod is that in the driveway, you ask? Yours truly, peepies. Shut up about it, at least I'm safe.

Butts and Earlisms and Second Mommies

Where do I START with this one? The pix I guess. Its Ros and the cop having a best butt contest to the left. Sorry Ros. You just got BLOWN away, hon. That's me to the right. Thought I'd keep the butt theme going. What's with the hair, you ask? Looks like I stuck a staple in an electrical outlet perhaps? I really did that once! Much younger of course. By about 30 years. I just couldn't resist. I had the staple in hand, and I could tell it would fit perfectly. Had to do it. But only the once. Hurt too bad to attempt again. I ate a pack of Easter egg dye tablets one time too. But I digress. Back to the hair. I've been experimenting with going curly, but I kinda went overboard with it in the pic.

These were taken bowling last night. Still in happy gear. Enter Earl.

Earl, yes people that's his real name, is Ros's boyfriend who has a proneness for sticking his Martian foot in his mouth.

Examples:

• Number One: "Honey, even if you were hot like my OLD girlfriend with the blonde hair and big boobs, I'd still be this way!"


• Number Two: Ros asks, "Could you dim the light?" Earl, "Why, to hide all the cracks and crevices?"
  
• Number Three: Ros waking up, sees Earl looking at her. She smiles and says, "Gmornin." Earl looks at her, "You're all puffy."

These are some mild examples. He really doesn't mean to be mean. He's trying to be funny. Otherwise he's simply being honest. He feels sooo bad after an Earlism escapes and he realizes his blunder. I have worse, much worse examples of Earlisms. But I'm not gonna blab their sexual problems all over Cyber World. Man, though, I wish I could, some of it is sooooo freaking FUNNY! Well, to you and me. Not to her.

Back to my story. Bowling. Last night. Camera was out, I was snapping pix...cuz hey, give me a camera and I'm entertained for HOURS. Heck, give me a STRING and I'm entertained for hours. Doesn't take me much. I took a picture of Earl and Ros. Smiling at the camera. Big deal. Right? One would THINK. But that pic ruined the rest of the night.

Ros grabbed the camera from me as girls tend to do, "let me see how I look! Aww that's bad." She showed it to Earl. "Nah that's not bad! Just crop out your legs if you don't like them!" A hush fell, cuz we all could feel what was next. Ros, teeth clenched, said, "I didn't SAY anything about disliking my legs..." Night was over. An hour later they left with her STILL huffing her way out the door over the latest Earlism. Earl left dragging his tail between his legs, poor male creature. Such a relief to see them go, though. A couple DDR games later (kisses to the creators of DDR's!), my night ended too, but with much less fanfare.

Tomorrow night should make for even BETTER blogging. I haven't introduced you yet to my hot gay girl friend (notice the separation between girl and friend? Its to drive home the point I'm STRAIGHT) with a life that is sooo crazy you wouldn't believe me if I told you everything. The current drama fo yo mama is this. About a month ago, Jillian, who comes from Chicago, found out her dad had been living a separate life. She has two brothers (one older, one younger) and a second mother! Pretty hard to swallow for this daddy's girl who came from what she thought was an incredibly normal and boring childhood. Tomorrow night, daddy is flying in to our fine desert city to kiss his daughter's ass and attempt to smooth things over. Its her birthday, and we are all going out, with him in tow. Daddy got busted when he forgot to shut down his email and mommy #1 saw an email from mommy #2 which said something about, "I know you can't come home this week since Jillian's in town visiting, so I'll just see you next week." Does it surprise you to learn I'm ABSOLUTELY BURSTING for tomorrow night to get here???? Poor Jill. She was a wreck today. She was counting down the hours. Nine hours till he gets in. That's the last thing she told me.

HAPPY DAY I GAVE BIRTH TO TYLER!

Awww, look at my little baby! He's changed a bit since that photo.

I just read over my blog entries from Tyler's surprise birthday party from last year--you all remember the chocolate pudding baby pool and high school Seniors in every crack and crevice of my house (by the by, there are still pudding splotches on my stucco in the backyard and I can't get them off!). I even said it then, how I was feeling a bit sad, cuz what his whole tight knit group of amazing friends didn't yet comprehend, was that they were right smack at the end of their glory days.

And here we are. A year later. There are no friends here decorating the house. No one is making gallons of pudding. Nobody is in the kitchen attempting to cook as only a group of teenage girls can. And none of the old gang are planning to come. The group has disbanded and disbursed to various corners of the country, finishing their Freshman years, totally oblivious to where they were last year at this time, I'm sure.

Tyler and Anna are coming over after classes. On request, I'm grilling steaks, and making mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. All's I'm giving him this year is a card with money. And that's it for his big 19th party. This is so weird! I ALWAYS make a huge ba donk a donk about the kids' birthdays. So here's a first. But I don't really like this whole doing nothing spectacular tactic. Next year it'll be full blown ba donk a donk cuz it just works best for me.

Gotta blurt it...MY BABY IS 19 TODAY!!!! NINE FREAKING TEEN!!!!

Sitting On Some Step

Currently I'm: blowing my nose alot

Last thing I ate: pretzels last night

Mood: whipped

I dunno if I should go to the board meeting today or not. I was either food poisoned thx to BUBBA or I had some weird stomach flu and I'm scared the ole tumster will be hurtin and churnin. There is that upside to having tummy probs though. Come on girls you SOOOO know it. Stepping on the scale once feelin' better will be fun, fun, fun!

And can we take a moment right here and do a dance on our computer chairs cuz the end of the school year is all of FOUR weeks off!? I got my flights booked back to the great state of Minney and plans are being solidified. My old stomping grounds border with Wisconney, so loads of activities are happening East of the river. If you are in LaCrosse over the 4th of July, in the beer tent, just look up cuz I'll be the dork dancin' on the picnic table in my True Religion's with a drink in hand, sloshing it all around those poor souls below me. Probably a slice of Rocky Rococco's pizza in my other hand cuz that's what I most miss about being up there and tend to eat ALOT of it when I go back.

Not much else knockin' around my brain at the moment to tell ya. Except the whole latest Mackenzie thing. Making out with her Mormon boyfriend in his chapel. Yup. In the Mormon chapel. Where non-Mormons are never supposed to step foot. But Mack's never been one for rules.
They were supposed to be at some teen hangout thing, but slipped off.
I said, "What, were you in a pew?"
She said, "No! On the floor, in the front, sitting on some step."
Me, "The altar?!?!?! That's the freaking ALTAR Mackenzie!"
Yeah, so anyways. That's her latest stunt. Making out on a Mormon altar. Top that all you parents of teens.

Serenity Now, Serenity Now......

Question of the Day

What, exactly, is that freakin' flavor in Blue Moon ice-cream?

Question of the Day

Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food?

Ring Ring! Who the Freak Is This?

Currently I'm: looking fabulous as I just came from getting my hair done

Last thing I ate: non-dairy smoothie with pineapple, peaches, wild blueberries, banana, and strawberries

Mood: rallying

Days till birthday: 217 (Looks like I was off a few days the last time. Sue me. I'm no mathematician. I'm over it.)

Tyler turns 19 in 6 freaking days! I promised him a Costco chocolate cake so gotta make sure I get there this weekend. The gift is easy this year. MONEY!

Mackenzie and I did our Monday Night Festivities last night. Remember how I blogged how all she gets is the mac and cheese with a strawberry shake from Flying Star? Now I have photographic

PROOF of it.

The dancer called me. Out of the clear blue high desert sky. I didn't even recognize the number, that's how long its been, that's how OUT of my brain he is. I was going to put a picture of him here. Cuz trust me, there's TONS out there floating aroung in cyberspace. Of him dancing. Classical, people. Don't be picturing a hip hop crumping bad ass boy from the hood. Think white tights and pirouettes. Five consecutive pirouettes, actually. He proved it in my living room, on my saltillo tile floor, the show-off. Anyhoo, back to the pic of him, I decided I don't want it darkening up my pretty lil untainted blog. So! Use your imagination on his looks.

His call was perfectly innocent. He heard our mutual biffle Pam was leaving the Duke City. For, what she says, is a much better man pool in the sweaty city of Atlanta. He wanted my take on it, as if I'm the level-headed one in the group. He also wanted to inform me he was getting married.

It's interesting, as probably all of 14 months ago? This news would've been a bullet to the internal organs. But, when he told me, all I was, was happy for him.

A little skeptical perhaps, being it was only November he was begging me for a second try--that he had gotten spooked. But he had his chance. He blew it. Second tries are SOOO dumb! Unless you don't mind settling for half-ass love instead of pure zsa zsa zsu..but that's not how I roll. The twist here is, when he wanted me back in November? HE WAS WITH THE CHICK HE'S NOW GONNA MARRY! So I feel kinda bad for her. Because I feel she's stuck sopping up my leftovers. Or maybe not. Who cares.

The Dancer taught Mackenzie dance in 3rd grade (remember she's 9th grade now). That was our first encounter. I danced at that same studio as well. He moved to Vegas to dance for a year, so no more teaching Mack. Dancer forgotten, Mack quit the studio, I stayed on. Eventually he came back, and we'd cross paths and chat at the studio. Barely acquaintances. Heck, I assumed he was gay! I mean come on! He's a freakin' ballet dancer!

Pam and I became fast best friends around then. She was ALSO super tight with the dancer. They had done alot of shows together. SO! We hung out, a threesome. She always had a thing for him, I knew it. And I was married back then. Wow there's so much to this story I'm leaving soooo much out.

When Doug and I separated, the Dancer and I crossed the line. With a kiss in a hallway. Not even a good kiss. But then I had been outta practice so I'll take the blame.

We tried to turn it into more. As in relationship more. But in the end, we were wayyyyy toooooo different. He's simple. Beautiful, yes. Amazing on stage, yes. Yet so simple. These are some things I remember him saying ALOT--"what do you mean?" "I don't really understand..." It got sooo frustrating I started thinking maybe I wasn't as funny and clever as I thought! Now I realize it was just him. OF COURSE I'm funny and clever! He has been so busy dancing over the years that his brain was left undernourished and neglected. A pretty shell but an empty interior.

My favorite memory of those days was a little gift he and I gave to Pam. She went out of town for a week. I was running DDC (doggie daycare) and being paid by the Friendship Bank, which Pam dips into ALL THE TIME. The Dancer and I, both being fairly artistic with our respective homes, did a whole While You Were Out surprise remodel on her master bathroom! We used an Opera poster that she had been in as our canvas. It turned out AMAZING! In the end, the whole theater theme was perfect. She was ecstatic!

I guess another good memory from TDD (the dancer days) were the free tickets I got to shows. How sweet it was how he always wanted me to come. How he'd be nervous performing in front of me and would tell me so. I felt pretty special in the audience. Like he was dancing just for me.

It's the mirage of the dancer. I was entranced by it. Then the dancer spoke. What a waste.

Question of the Day

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Some friends came over yesterday.

That's Rita driving her new custom-ordered Mini. Since this was my first time meeting Mini Gonzales, I was prepared with camera in hand as they rolled up in my driveway. She's rather proud of it. Rita's such a cool chica! She's not only an engineer for Sandia Labs, she's a freakin' manager of 20 engineers at Sandia Labs. A huge outdoors freak--travels all over looking for the best mtn biking trails. You should see her pimped out bike! Plus she runs alot like me. She's my smartest friend. Rita helped me sell my old house by owner, plus helped me choose this new one to buy. She lives in a multi-million dollar house in the Foothills (aka Snobhills) and is about to adopt a Guatemalen baby with partner Lyn. Exciting! They've requested a boy. I'm feeling a little guilty about that because I think my issues with Kenzie played a role in the boy request. Plus they love Tyler and have seen him get to his current point in life easily over the years. They refuse to buy a mini-van and have already planned to load the carseat in the mini from the trunk. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" I asked. Yes. They were.

Lyn and I were friends first. She's a teacher too. But! The minute Rita and I met, we hit it off. We started having summer Big Brother viewing dinner parties a few years back being we are fellow addicts of the show with voyeur tendencies. Rita doesn't get much work done during summers being I email her with updates all day long of happenings in the Big Brother house.

I'm a little jealous as Rita and Lyn are currently planning a mountain biking trip across Italy for this summer. Their "last hurrah" before the new addition takes his place in the Mini's trunk.

My Little Slice of Heaven

Meet the lot. The fab four acres in the East Mtns overlooking the Sandia's. My little treasure.

Meet the cop. The cop I've blogged about for over a year now. The cop who's given me butterflies, broken my heart, made me laugh, made me forget to breathe, touched my heart, forgiven me, confused me, but most of all, all along... loved me.

There's nothing like the blue of a desert sky.

Cactus in front--symbolic, perhaps?

Me at the bottom of the lot. The fence separates my land from Nat'l Forest Land. Endless views of untouched nature.

I wish I could explain to you the feeling I get when I'm out there. Or the sounds. The sounds of the winds bouncing off the mountains and valleys around me. And nothing else. No traffic, no sirens, no neighbors. So peaceful. These pictures don't do it justice. Its the most beautiful spot on the planet.

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes we all forget. But I needed to take a moment and remind myself.

I am blessed.

Opening the Vault

People, people, people. You are gonna be sooo happy you stumbled upon my fabulous blog and here's why. I'm in the mood to tell you a secret. A VERY special secret that took me LOADS of undercover work to uncover. You're hooked now, aren't ya? Secrets do that to us. See, there's this restaurant in town, Garduno's. Margarita fans flock there by the bazillions as they have the BEST selection. One in particular always seems to bring on the taste bud orgasm and its the FANTABULOUS Coconut Margarita. Here's the actual recipe they use. Merry freakin Christmas.

GARDUNOS COCONUT MARGARITAS:
1 ½ oz Premium tequila (don't be cheap here people)
1 oz Triple sec
1 ½ oz Coco Lopez or Cream of Coconut
3-4 oz Sweet & Sour Mix (I make my own with 1 C splenda baking mix, 1 C water and 1/3 C half key lime juice and half lemon juice--cuts down on a few calories this way.)
Finish with a pinch of toasted coconut.

Gardunos blends theirs with ice, but you can do it on the rocks too--just shake the shit out of it before serving.

Dip the rim of the glass in honey and toasted coconut! Notice how I bolded that last line? I did that to impress upon you that this detail is what makes this the best marg in the world. If you skip this step I will hunt you down, slather you in honey, and dump a 10 lb bag of toasted coconut over your head.

Question of the Day

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

On the Topic of Name Dropping

And now, fine readers, I will explain to you why its good to have a cop in your inner circle. Last night I was be-bopping along, on my way home. Happily singing along to my "Girlpower!" playlist on the Ipod--Alanis Morrissette at the particular moment of time in question. Man that chick has some SERIOUS anger issues. She's my idol. Wouldn't ya know, there alongside the road, was a cop, with his laser gun pointed RIGHT AT ME! "Fuck a duck," is what I said to the empty tea bottles rolling around the floor of my car. I QUICK dialed the cop. Had to be careful about this being we Albuquerqueans are not allowed to dial and drive.

He answered. "Hellooooo!" Me, "Uh, yeah. I'm bein' pulled over at the moment?" Him, "Who is it?" Me, "I DONT KNOW! He's behind me, I can't tell!" Him, "Just tell him my name. And act apologetic." Me, "How the bleep am I supposed to throw your name in the conversation?!?" By now the cop's moseying towards my window. Me, "I gotta go, here he comes!" Click.

Me, "Hulllooo, officer! I'm really sorry, I was spacin' out, lost in the music." I tried giving him my winning, "look at me I'm really cute and innocent" look. He didn't seem to notice, though.
Him, "Do you REALIZE the speed limit here is 35?"
Me, "Ummm, yeeeahh." My brain's goin', say the name! Say the name!
Him, (showing me the laser), "Do you see how I tagged you at 61?" That dang lead foot attached to my right leg!
Me, "Yeah, I figured it was pretty bad."
Him, "This is an active construction zone. Notice the signs all over warning about double fines?" Bloody hell, I forgot about that.
Me, "Ummm, do you know _______ ?"(This is where I threw MY cop's name, but I can't say it cuz long ago when he learned I'm a blogging addict he made me promise not to name him).

Okay fine readers, I sense your boredom with my story. I'll jump ahead to where the cop in my driver's side window admitted that he knew MY cop well, that they went through the academy together. With that little name drop, he instantly let me off, didn't run my info or anything. PHEW!

Here's the kicker. My cop later told me he looked up what the ticket woulda been. Ready for this? 418 buckaroo's!!!!!!!! Cuz of the construction zone and the excessive speed. GULP!

Which means, he basically put 418 bucks in my pocket. Which means I can do some SERIOUS shopping this weekend! Woo hoo!

Here's my advice to all you fabulous ladies out there.... go get yourselves a cop.

Three Years Left....

I love her fiercely, but man, she challenges me.

Question of the Day

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

One Single Plop

Currently I'm: In my classroom killin' time.

Mood: discombobulated

Last thing I ate: crap, I just realized I forgot breakfast. Last thing I ate was Baskin Robbin's sugar free mint choc. chip hard sucky candies. Ten calories each. I had 3 before bed.

Days till birthday: 192


This is how my day is unfolding thus far.... I got up. Stumbled to coffeepot wearing my fave black modal (SO SOFT!) cami and pink V Secret boy shorts. Not sure why I threw that in there, but there ya go. Rinsed coffepot. Grinds in, water in. Hit start button. Nothing. Yes, people, you read right. Nothing. WTH? Now anyone who knows me even a FRACTION knows about my coffee habits. Broken coffeepot is NOT GOOD. It'd be like a herione junkie without a needle. Or a spoon (or is that crack? I'm not real up on the whole illegal drug scene)...I guess they could just eat it though. Hmmm. Never thought of that, I coulda just ate the freakin grinds.

Anyhoo back to the day. I stumbled BACK to the bedroom WITHOUT coffee in hand. Grumbling all the way. Feelin the stress levels rise. All's I could think of was Starbuck's Starbuck's Starbuck's gotta quick get my freakin fix before I combust. Time wasn't on my side either. It was either makeup or coffee run. Coffee run won. I'm here at work right now with not a trace of Mac on me anywhere. But happily I must say the Venti Starbucks cup is two inches from the keyboard. Left side if you care.

So! I get to work and am informed all my Special Ed kiddos are on a field trip to the zoo, zoo, zoo this fine Wednesday! That means, I have NOTHING to do for the next 3 hours. Notice how I wrote zoo 3x? Parents or preschool teachers probably got that. I was singing that Bram and Lois song as I typed, "We're goin' to the zoo! zoo! zoo! You can come too! too! too! How about you? you? you? We're goin' to the freakin zoo!" (I may have embellished those lyrics with a freakin to enhance reader interest.)

I have that song stuck in my head. From Wedding Singer. Adam Sandler. Love Stinks. LOVE STINKS! YEAH YEAHHHH. LOVE STINKS! YEAH YEAHHHH. I'd be belting it out to my imaginery microphone up on my office chair if only my roommate wasn't here in the classroom we share. That way I could get it OUT of my system and move on, but no.

This Pam news is eating at me. I'm referring to her new job, her move to Atlanta. Its affecting me. All my fans out there know how tight we are. Sista's born from different wombs. I'm thinkin' of those twins from Talledega nights, what were their names? Breeze and something. Ya know, from the one single plop scene? That's me and Pam. One single plop. Hers is the kitchen counter I go to when I need a good cry. I sit up on it, and she sits next to me with a Mike's Hard Lemonade offering and wraps her arms around me big. She's a wild child with an internal magnet for bad relationships. She makes for good blogging.

Part of me is already grieving this loss. I'm breezing through my days feeling so sad. Life here will be so different without her. I don't like it.

And then there's the other friend I lost. Another big one. Who lived inside my computer. But I'm not gonna go there.

The good news is....weight is all of 125lbs!!!! I usually sit stuck at 128lbs, so I'm happy!!!! 125 is my goal weight for my 5'6' runner's frame. How many people can say they are at their goal weight, huh???? Not many. So! I'm happy. Speaking of, there's a half marathon coming up. Should I do it? I run anywhere between 4 and 9 miles a day, I'm sure I could do 13. Its just this lil problem I have with ADD? I get bored. There's also a 5k and a 10k. Not sure which I should choose. I'd love to see my 5k time. Last year when I wasn't running, I ran a 5k in 26 minutes--I blogged about it on the Mother's Day post, scroll down. Plus I had been drinking the day AND night before and was kinda hung chung. Now that I am running, and running super strong, I bet I could blow that time away. BLOW ME AWAY!!!! Who sings that? Now I've got that going through my head. Thank god, no more Adam Sandler. Oh yeah, its Breaking Benjamin. Hmmm. Not such a great choice for song stuck in head. Might as well be Amos Lee.

LOVE STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Question of the Day

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

Am currently: in jammies sippin on a red wine I bought at a winery up in Taos over Spring Break

Last thing I ate: French toast at 5pm, smothered in carmelized bananas and strawberries with real whip cream on top! (gimme a break, I ran 6 miles! I earned it!)

Current mood: opaque and ambiguous

Days till birthday: 194

I hope nobody's checking those birthday numbers cuz I'm guesstimating. Mackenzie and I have been holding to this girls dinner out thingy every Monday night. Since the divorce. An attempt to keep open the lines of communication. She's such a creature of habit. Not adventurous whatsoever, especially when it comes to food. We've slumped in to the routine of Flying Star Cafe, at her request--she ALWAYS gets the homemade mac and cheese with a strawberry shake on the side. Today I got breakfast for dinner, cuz unlike her, I like to change things up. Plus, my supersized sweet tooth was whispering in my ear, "Get the french toast! Get the french toast!"

I've really hurt the cop. REALLY hurt him. He saw some emails I sent to a friend comparing him to another man. It wasn't nice. The sad thing is, I was exaggerating and seeking fault. It wasn't a true picture. I'm just confused. And scared. Scared about going ahead from here. Cuz there's red flags.

The other man is a friend from Minneapo. Matt. We've been talking over a year now. Remember the Salt Lake trip I blogged about? Well of course you do, fine readers, cuz I know you HANG ON MY EVERY WORD. That's when I met him. He's the one who paid for the mug that the bartender refused to give me, no matter how much begging I did. I've got pix of that night attached to that blog entry so scroll down and look, but he's not in em, sorry. Turns out, Matt and I went to the same college. What we've figured out SINCE then is that we had actually crossed paths on campus, though never met. I taught aerobics for the HPR105 class. Two hundred students at once in the field house, me up on a platform. He was there. In the back. Hung over. Go figure. Plus! He's a fellow runner. We both ran over lunch, Mundahbee through Fridahbee (that's Monday-Friday for you newbies). We ran the indoor track at the student center. I must've passed him a million times. He would tell you its the other way around, but I doubt it being how competitive I was and wouldn't let anyone pass me. Anyhoo, back to current day, we've had no intimate physical contact. We've seen each other twice at work functions. So, for the most part, its a long distance friendship. He meets a need in me, sort of like this blog does. A need to write down, to put down in words, all the thoughts jumbled in my head. Soothes me. I didn't realize how close we'd gotten until I learned the cop had seen some of our correspondence. I reread it, seeing it how an outsider would, and then it hit me. Matt and I know one another unusually well.

The cop wants me to end contact with Matt. I understand why. He wants me committed to him instead of ending emails to Matt, "kisses down your chest!" It hurts to give up a friend this close. Especially as I'm still struggling with thoughts of a future with the cop (again the red flags, scary!).

I'm dealing with all this at the same time as learning my biffle (aka best friend for life--I just got that from Mackenzie at dinner tonight! I must say, I REALLY like that word. Biffle. Its my top fave made-up word of the year. Biffle. Fun to say, come on, try it! Ya know you want to!) is moving to Atlanta for her dream job! Pam, who I've blogged about all along, is leaving in less than two months. I'm so sad! Happy for her, yes, but feeling kinda sad inside nevertheless.

Enough words. I'm feeling purged. Until next time, fabulous fans of mine!

Question of the Day

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance as that little indestructible black box?

Am currently: Still in PJ's, wrapped in NASCAR blanket my mom made for Tyler

Days till birthday: 285

Last thing I ate: Bowl of Blueberry Morning

An update on a few of my fabulous friends:

Ros: The tall long haired red-head physical therapist with PLS (Perpetually Late Syndrome) who I went to Greece with. Ros has been dating this environmentalist Earl (seriously, that's his name) who lives on the Res about 2 hours away. I met them for Starbuck's yesterday and they were as cute as ever. She was pissed at him this week for acting like a Martian even though he's in Venus territory, but it seems like the training is working. He was back to full on "doting" mode when I saw them yesterday. They left me to go biking along the Rio Grande. All's well.

Pam: The short perky dancer chick. Back in high school 20 years ago Pam broke up with her sweetie Eric. Last year, out of the blue, he found her and it was romance rekindled. The stuff of an Oprah episode. One year after the fairy tale, I'm sad to say things are not well. The long distance relationship took its toll. His two teenage daughters hated Pam from the get-go, which was the icing on the armadillo cake. They still talk about once a week, still going through that break-up phase which involves making each other miserable to prolong the suffering, but there's not much left here. Pam's made a new friend Veronica. A freshly separated hot 40-something chick who drags Pam out to party hard. Probably a good distraction for her broken heart, but at the same time Pam's pretty vulnerable right now, so I'm a bit worried. An amazing woman, here. How is it she's not snatched up?

Yvette: The married one with the baby. God I love this chick! She and firefighter hubby Chris had a hell of a pregnancy last year. They found out their baby had spina bifida while he was still in the womb. The mourning period of last year at this time still haunts me, the big decisions they had to make.... I don't wish on anyone. Watching helplessly in the wings as my friend fought for strength to endure. In this case, a happy ending. Christian, a miracle baby, is now over 6 months old and meeting all his milestones! I just hung up from her; she's on her way to a Dr. appt for Christian, to get the results of some recent tests. We already know they were "normal," but now she's going in to get specifics. Yvette is my greatest confidante right now. Pam and Ros are distracted with their own things, yet Yvette still reaches out and checks in on me. At the same time, when she has weak moments missing out on freedoms and wilder life moments, I'm there to remind her of the blessings right before her fabulous face.

Me: The cop and I snuck away for two nights over Valentine's Day.

Three hours south of here is the Apache run Inn of the Mountain Gods. A beautiful resort on a mountain lake. Notice my fabulous dress? That's what I wore for V-day dinner out. Had a GREAT time! Mackenzie is going to a Red Jumpsuit concert tonight downtown with friends. She's sooo excited, she's actually been tolerable! Tyler's still doing great at UNM. He called with this story of a wild party bust he made this weekend, so that he worked until 5am in the morning. Someone almost got tasered and he's all sad the cop didn't do it in the end.

Question of the Day

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Question of the Day

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Question of the Day

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Question of the Day

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Wow, Being 36 Sucks

Am currently: sipping a three buck chuck red vino
Last thing I ate: Homeade chili
Mood: rather relaxed actually, thx to the wine
Days till birthday: 353

Winter break has started! The last day of school, I had a student ask me, "teachers have Christmas break, too?" Very cute. I've pretty much gotten a handle on Xmas this year, all million presents have been bought AND WRAPPED already...I know I know, I'm fabulous. I'm having a dinner party type thingy for a few friends this coming Friday. Other than that, I'm looking forward to a sleepy simple 2 1/2 weeks off work. With only one goal, which is to get my lazy butt to the gym EVERY freaking day of break. So far, three days in to break, so good.

I've got to update you, as its been since pre-36th birthday that I blogged last. Here goes:

The birthday day went without a hitch. I'm sad to report I am officially 36.
I played hookie (cough cough) and spent the day playing with my video 30 gb Ipod present from the cop. He took me up the tram to the High Finance restaurant at the top of the mountain in the evening. Cold, but fun! The night before, Ros took Mackenzie and me to a French restaurant in Old Town where we feasted on multitudes of fabulous food....I highly recommend the French Onion soup if you go. The cheese is all roasted and browned over the top--orgasmic, trust me. The day AFTER my birthday, I took Tyler and his girlfriend Anna to the spectacular faux gourmet restaurant called Cici's pizza. We loaded up on pizza slices and wilted salad before heading over to the lot I just bought...you'll recall the four fabulous acres in the East Mountains I blogged about last month. We were happily surprised to find it coated with snow already! The sun was blazing and it was a perfect day for a winter hike. And that's about it for your update. I can't remember anything else I've done between then and now.

Tyler is back home since the dorms close over the break. He's at a reunion party as I type. His old high school gang is having a Christmas get-together which he's quite excited about. Then starting tomorrow he'll be dogsitting for Doug for nine days, so he won't actually be staying here. Doug, my ex, is going back home to Minnesota to do the family thing. He's a teacher, too, so also has this time off. Mackenzie is still Mackenzie. What can I say? She's the answer to that curse my mom sent out some 20 odd years ago--"I hope someday you'll have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU!"

The birthday countdown

Am currently: all sweaty from gym
Last thing I ate: Lean Cuisine chicken panini and a handful of chocolate covered raisins
Mood: Irritated with the pig child
Days till birthday: gulp, 5!!!!

Mackenzie had a friend over last night. Inevitably, the house ended up trashed as always and I ended up playing the role of Grumpy the 7th dwarf. Top this off with the heating element going out in the dryer and a pile of dirty laundry that gives Mt. Everest a run for its money and Voila! Its a typical day in the life. Yvette just called me to let me know she googled heating elements and discovered they are quite easy to DIY fix. Screw that. I'm just gonna buy a new dryer. But can I just insert here how sweet it is of my new mommy incredibly busy friend to bother doing research like that for me? She's fabulous.

I saw that guy from the gym. What guy you ask? Come on, don't you remember the post from about 6 months ago, the one where I was all embarrassed because I fell off a bench and he tried breaking my fall as I crashed to the Floor of Shame? I've seen him a few times since then, actually. I usually am pretty successful at hiding from him, but today he definitely saw me. Multiple times. I guess my ducking behind the rubber plant, putting my towel in between his line of view, and the big dark sunglasses and straw hat weren't enough of a disguise (okay so I may be exaggerating slightly on the whole disguise thing) because he was definitely looking at me. Weirdly, too I might add. He remembers, I can tell. He thinks I have, uhhh, let's just say I have special needs. Which I do, now that I think of it, only not in the "vulnerable adult" sense like he thinks. He was probably looking around trying to figure out where my staff member from the group home was.

I ordered Tyler some Red Wing brand mugs and a Red Wing ornament today for Christmas. So there! I've officially started Xmas shopping. Tyler collects the Red Wing crap...you know, like crocks and stuff? His dad got him into it years ago. Sometimes I look at Tyler and marvel, is this really my kid? I mean, jeez, there's no reflection of me in him anywhere. He's into crocks for god's sake! He works freaking SECURITY at his college and busts parties! Shouldn't he be, uhh, ATTENDING them? And here's the big kicker....he and his girlfriend are waiting to have sex till after college and MARRIAGE. Remember, this is the same kid that entered this world when his wildchild mother was all of 17. Trust me on this one, I didn't encourage any of these aforementioned traits. He came up with them all on his fabulous own.

Yesterday, Tyler, Mackenzie and I got the Xmas decorations all up on the inside of the house. He's been home from college for the Thanksgiving weekend. I even made them listen to Xmas music while we worked. Tyler kept saying, "this is so fun!" My reply, "uh, ya, sure it is," pretending to enjoy it as much as him. Mackenzie told it like it was, "Oh my god Tyler you are such a nerd. This isn't FUN! This SUCKS!" My living room currently looks like Santa's workshop exploded and Xmas crap landed in every possible space. Don't come visit if you have seizure issues cuz there's so many lights and other visual stimuli you'd definitely end up on the floor convulsing. Now for the outside.

I was actually going to write with a point today. I even had a topic in mind, but it snuck out of my brain and I can't find it anywhere. You get what you get I guess. That reminds me of what I tell my students when they are arguing for a certain color thingy, "you git what you git and you don't throw a fit!" Its cute when I hear them saying it to each other.

Off to be productive. At least I don't have to do laundry....

TD update (turkey day)

Last thing I ate: handful of chocolate covered raisins
Am currently: waiting for Pam to get done with yoga so we can go rollerblading

Turkey Day went off without a hitch. I remembered to turn on the oven this year and no one got sick, so I think its safe to declare the day a success. Gal pal Ros brought her neice and nephew over to hang before they had their family dinner thingy. The cop spent a few hours at his parents' house. Ros and crew left, the cop returned, we ate. The coolest part of the day was that Mackenzie actually agreed to play Monopoly with the cop and Tyler and me. I was surprised how much fun we all had. The cop's pretty hilarious. We were all laughing up a storm. Mackenzie even stayed in the living room and watched Lucky Number Slevin with us! Yesterday, Black Friday, Tyler and I hit Best Buy to get me a new wireless Internet card cuz Cokie chewed up the last one. It was so frustrating to get home and find out the new card is SO FREAKIN SLOW I could do a load of laundry in between pages loading. Right now I've got the card OUT of the slot and am ethernet hooked up directly to the router. I never realized the killer speed of my server this way. I think I'll return the card from hell and go ethernet. The only drawback is that now I'm confined to the Austin Power's computer room. Scroll down a ways and you'll see a pic of how cool this room is thanks to my fabulous creative side!!!! Have you ever thought about how close creativity and insanity are to each other? Looking around this room, I can't help but go, hmmmm.

Pam just called, off to rollerblade along the Bosque this gorgeous Saturday afternoon!

Question of the Day

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through ATM's?

Hello Its Me the Landowner

Currently I'm: nursing a gin and tonic
Last food I ate: Sesame chicken with grilled veggies over rice
Mood: Excited!
Days till birthday: 10
I closed on the land today! Four beautiful acres, lot 24, overlooking miles of forest land and the Sandia Mountains. I know I know, I said closing was on Wednesday, but the realtor needed to bump it up to today. Tomorrow the cop and I will go christen the lot with a bottle of champagne I have chilling. After closing, the cop and I celebrated with lunner at Elephant Bar Restaurant and shopping the new outdoor mall. Seeing that box of peppermint bark twice in one week at Williams Sonoma was torture. Yvette and I decided to have a "pretend to be fabulous homemaker chicks" baking day where we'll make our own peppermint bark and a bunch of other holiday crap, and then split it all up and disburse to friends for their holiday gift. The cop and her fire fighter hubbie will be in the other room babysitting Christian and watching football while we polish off a few bottles of vino and bake the day away in our Martha Stewart aprons.

Isn't that special?

I saw this quote on another blog and I loved it:

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Question of the Day

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Hail to the Great Starbuck's at Coors and Montano

Its weird, I never used to be a coffee addict. It hit me hard and fast last year during the separation. Two stops at Starbuck's a day. Otherwise a full pot at the house in the morning. A "to go" cup filled to the brim to get me through till the switch to diet pepsi in the afternoon. This is how bad it is:

The cop's birthday was recently. I was talking to his mom on the phone about birthday plans.

"What should we get him for his birthday?" mom asked.

"Hmmm, well he could really use a 12 cup programmable coffeemaker.The small one he has just isn't cutting it."

The cop drinks a lot of coffee, too, but being a cop, well come on, he can get it easily anywhere. Truth be told, a coffeemaker was far down his mental birthday wish list. But being the addict I am, it was at the top of mine. And now it sits all shiny and big on my kitchen counter, heh, heh....with a bag of Starbuck's Christmas Blend (the best!) sitting right next to it.

Here's a little interesting tidbit now that we are on the subject of the faux in-law's. There's a few things they don't know about me:
1) The existence of Tyler and my teenage pregnancy at 17
2) The existence of Mackenzie
3) My five year and ten month age gap with the young pup cop
4) My divorce

The faux in-law's are very traditional and religious. These things won't fly. Especially since they always hoped the cop would have kids. Learning my truths will mean learning a life with me will leave the cop childless, if we end up together. He's okay with this, doesn't want kids. His parents won't be.

The faux in-law's invited me over for Thanksgiving. Obviously this is impossible, being I have the secret children and we do our own celebration. The cop told them I wouldn't be coming. In-law mom's first reaction was to say, "she doesn't want to come?" The cop responded, "No, she can't make it." And that was it. No other explanation.

I find all the secrets rather bizarre. Good grief. We are in our 30's. The cop agreed to fess up everything to them on Thanksgiving. Whether he will or not we have yet to see. I'll keep you posted.

And now, I must fill up my "to go" cup and head off to my first class. Eight special needs preschoolers for 30 minutes. Nothing like starting the work week with a BANG!

Goodbye Buddy

Buddy died this morning. I wasn't ready.

Don't you find it fascinating how life ticks along its merry path and then CLUNK! There's a pothole, a dip, or crevice of some sort in the road, leaving you hoping there's no damage. This morning my life found itself happily exploring the new outdoor mall, Albuquerque Uptown, with gal pal Yvette and her baby Christian strapped to my chest. A beautiful day, a beautiful friend, a beautiful baby.

And then CLUNK! Doug called. Unlike him, being we've been divorced and separated over a year now. He usually only calls when he has Mackenzie and there's some parenting issue to delve into.

He gave me the news. He was leaving the vet's office. Without Buddy. Doug cried. Interesting. It was only the second time in our over a decade old relationship I had known him to cry. The other time was sitting in a marriage counselor's office at one end of the giant sectional, me at the other far end. I remember how small he seemed on that couch. My rock. My savior. My best friend. Suddenly so small.

Doug was choking on the story of Buddy up all night, throwing up blood, blood in his urine, blood in his bowels, blood all over the house. I cried, too. "This makes me so sad," I choked out. What simple words.

Tyler chose the name. Buddy. Buddy had been dumped at a farm of a friend of a friend's back in Minnesota, where we lived at the time. A purebred American Eskimo. So beautiful. The vet guessed Buddy was about a year old when he came to us. That was about 10 years ago. Tyler would have been 8, Mackenzie 4.

I have so many memories of special moments with Buddy in my head. I remember how beautiful he was when he sprinted deerlike through the snow. It was almost like his feet never really touched the ground, that he was gliding over the top effortlessly. I remember out for a jog one day, a professional photographer stopped us and asked to take our picture. Saying how beautiful Buddy was. She later sent me the pictures. I need to find those and scan them in. I remember backpacking trips. Buddy in his element carrying his own pack. I remember Buddy barking and about to attack a prowler who had entered our home in the middle of the night while we slept. If it weren't for him barking us awake and chasing the man out the door, who knows what that night would have become for us. Mostly I remember a loving family perfectly rounded off by this beautiful dog who loved us fiercely. And I mourn. So much is lost. So much is dead.

Buddy died today. With it, the end of a decade old story.

Question of the Day

Why do scientists call it "research" when they are looking for something new?

Question of the Day

Why is it called a "building" when its already been built?

Yet Another Fabulous Update

Mackenzie is getting Scary with a capital "S". She's fourteen and angry at the world. Mainly, though, she targets me with the anger arrows. That's okay, I'm rather resilient. I can wait her out. She'll be 18 in 3 1/2 years. I'll keep her safe till then.

Tyler is doing fabulously at UNM. He's a security guard on campus---how cute! My little guy, awwww. Still with high school sweetie Anna. Pretty much living at her dorm but don't tell anyone because her parents would NOT approve. The thing is, these are two amazing humans. Both known to make much better choices than I ever could have at that age. I have total faith in them.

The cop's ex....scroll down to the "Get it Right People" post and you'll know all you need to know....got remarried a few weeks ago. He hasn't said much about it, but who couldn't feel a little nostalgic in his spot? Add to that his unresolved issues with the whole ex relationship and I'm not sure what a great emotional place he's in at this time. The ex had (or is it has?) such a weird hold on him, even as mean as she was, that I think only Father Time has the power to lick the wounds clean. Oh what do I know. Father Time's licking a few of MY old wounds, too. But let's not go there.

I am buying some land. Closing is next Wednesday at 11:30am. Four acres, in the mountains 10 miles outside of Albuquerque. Its so beautiful! The plan is to sit on it until Mackenzie graduates, then reassess at that time. There are two choices here: 1) build on it and live happily ever after, 2) sell it and make a pretty little profit. Who knows which way things'll go. The romantic in me hopes for door number one.

Off to pick up Mackenzie from her gym. Good night fabulous people!

I've got a lot of catching up to do being I've been gone for months!!! Here's me in Greece, a small town in Northern Crete. My second day and I've already bought that lovely Burberry hat on my head. Proof that I owned it...as it has mysteriously disappeared since my return. CRY!

Let's Try This Again

How crazy, its been months since I was last here. Before my trip to Greece! Part of the reason I left is that my space was invaded by a cockroach-type creature ex of a friends looking for info, who I'm sure is long gone by now so it should be safe once again. Hello all my fellow fabulously flawed millions of fans! I'm back and plan to repair this damaged site and get you all updated in my exciting life happenings. I know you all are pounding on the door of my site unable to contain your excitement, so be careful not to jam it up you crazy fans. HA! God I amuse myself. I write to empty space actually. Which is just fine by me. Off to work. Wearing my new Phantom hat. Singing "Primadonna" in my head....

On My Way!

My one bag--Columbia duffel on wheels, for your visual convenience--is packed and I'm ready to go! Packing had to be ridiculously light since many of the towns we are staying in are walled and don't allow cars inside. So! There'll be lots of hauling luggage along cobblestoned streets--probably my only workouts I'll get while there...unless you count lifting wine glasses and olive oiled bread to my mouth. Hopefully I'll be able to check in here and leave words for ya now and again. First stop? Crete. See ya there....

I'm Baaaack

Sweet, dear blog, no I haven't abandoned you. I am back, didja miss me? I leave for Greece in two days HOO RAH.... Girlfriend Ros is there waiting and girlfriend Margaret will be meeting us there too. I'm oh so hoping there will be internet cafes so I can write Write WRITE about the 3 fabulous weeks there. Stay tuned, fine strangers, for the adventures of The Three Musketeerettes in Greece. Passed out days on the beaches, partying nights away in the clubs, great food, great shopping... The one problemo? Methinks I'm gonna be homesick for my kiddos and a one certain on-again cop. Oh yes, fine strangers, the cop is back and stronger than ever. And THAT'S another story which I'll have to update my billions of readers on...

And wouldja look at the time? I gotta get my booty off to Salsa...my buddy Pam is subbing it today and I love when she teaches. Parakolo!!!

The Ruse of the Outward Visual

Last Thursday Sucked. Notice the capital "S"??? That's trying to help you understand how bad it sucked. My mom, visiting from MN for Tyler's graduation festivities, insisted on this pic as I was walking out the door. Little did she know, little can you tell, that my insides were devastated--all the way down through my toes. That once I got in the car, a few tears won the battle. If you care to check, you'll notice a fairly raw post from that day, late that night. In the pic, I was on my way to the Gretchen Wilson concert here in Albuquerque at the Journal Pavilion, our big outdoor ampitheater. My girlfriend Kas stood in line for 5 FREAKING HOURS to get us our 10th row seats. She bought 6 tickets. The plan was....2 for me, and 2 for her, and 2 for our married couple friends. We ended up with 2 extra we couldn't fill. The cop was supposed to go with me, and Josh was supposed to go with her. That's before Josh turned psycho freak. And the cop turned cheater weak boy. If you scroll way the hell down to the beginning of this blog, to the "Cupid" post, you'l'l learn about both Josh and the cop. Back in the good old ignorant days when Josh was normal and the cop showed such potential.

Kas and I are regular concert goer's. Next one is KC and the Sunshine band, first row tix! Again I have two. Anyone out there wanna go with me?

We'd been looking oh so forward to Gretchen. Sadly, though, we were both in such a bad emotional place that we ended up laughing and crying our way OUT of the parking lot halfway through the concert. Josh showed up. That's NOT a good thing, as he needs some serious work on his character before he earns the right to get anywhere NEAR Kas. The cop and I texted throughout the concert and it wasn't pretty. I was NOT in my best Fabulous Female Form.

All's I'm telling you with this post is that last Thursday sucked. And that's me in the picture on the sucky Thursday. Isn't it ironic how outwardly we can look like we have not a care in the world, and inwardly we are curled up in a little place covered in a black fleece blanket so tight we can't breathe? I wanted to show you what I look like when I can't breathe. It makes me wonder how many other people there are that I encounter along the gravel lined road of Life who can't breathe either.

Don't Blink

Its over. The graduation festivities are over. Tyler is now a high school graduate...gulp! The party I threw was fabulous, of course. That was Friday night, and Saturday morning was the graduation ceremony. The pic is me and Tyler and Mackenzie after the ceremony. Its been a whirlwind week of emotions. You name it, I've felt it. Wow. Its over. Take a breath, girl. Its over.

Nipping and Tucking My Fabulous Blog

My blog is undergoing plastic surgery at the hands of the GREAT plastic surgeon, Doctor Marco, who despite his age, has amazingly steady hands when working the keyboard....thanks Doctor Marco!

Speaking of plastic surgery, I watched the very first episode of Nip/Tuck with my gal pal Yvette, the one who just had the baby giant, and I LOVED it. She's a Nip/Tuck addict and I can see why. Its on my mental To Do list to rent the first season and do a marathon Julian McMahon (aka sexy Christian) watching, popcorn eating, Junior Mints binging, couch lounging, pj's wearing, weekend. Yvette wants us to get together weekly to watch it, along with a Seinfeld episode which is my fave. If you've never seen it, you must. And the sex scenes, oh my, oh my, oh my, how hot!There's this really cool scene of Christian having major hot sex with this chick he picked up in a bar...music cranked, sweaty bodies slapping, screaming, and then the shot flashes to Sean and his wife having super quiet, missionary, yawn boring sex, the wife looking slightly impatient, "are you done yet, honey?"....and then we jump back and forth between the two scenes. Very clever. And then! In another scene we get to see Christian in a threesome. Its soft porn, really. Nothing is left to the imagination, we see it all. My virgin eyes learned a lot! Can't wait to see the next one...

And can I just add here that isn't it interesting that Yvette named her baby Christian?!? Hmmm...methinks maybe I'm not the ONLY one who has a Thing for the hot Doctor.

Next Chapter, Starts Here.

Celebrate with me for a moment, fine strangers! My great friend Yvette and her firefighter hubbie Chris gave birth to a sweet 8lb 4oz chunk of a boy, Christian. Welcome to the world, Christian! I can't wait to come see you today and bring you a GIANT bouquet of crazy daisies--the happiest looking flowers I ever did see, perfect for this happiest of occasions.

Here's another celebration for ya. Tyler's graduation party is today! I have my parents here visiting from Minnesota and Tyler's relatives on the other side here from out of state as well. The party will be fabulous and I can't wait till tonight. Tomorrow is the official graduation ceremony. Tyler is graduating from a college prep private high school, so they have a unique ceremony--boys in tux's and girls in white gowns of their choosing. Its in the morning, outside, under a giant tent. As each graduate walks up to accept their diploma, a teacher requested by the student reads a short speech, in Emmy fashion, that the student wrote. Its quite lovely, actually. Then, we get this amazing program, in which each student gets a page devoted to themselves--a picture and any words they want. I love breezing through their words, seeing the creativity about to be unleashed on this fine world. Amazed at the wisdom sometimes I see in these young adults.

Life is good this fine Friday morning. I look straight ahead, refusing that urge to glance back over my shoulder. I feel strong. In the wake of yesterday's death, in a sense, there was a birth. What a gift. And today, I let MY baby spread his wings and jump. Life truly is beautiful.

The End

Its funny when things come to an end, how we humans have such a hard time with it even though we know its for the best. That feeling inside, right under the ribs, centrally located. Not a good feeling that's for sure.

Its sad when we put our faith in someone, drop our guard and hope for the best. When we do that dream thing, where we look at the future and see this perfect ideal life and let ourselves believe it is within reach.

Its surprising when truths come out that prove lies have passed the lips of loved ones. That you are the only one not in on the joke called Your Life.

Its angering when you are up to your eyeballs...no, higher, up to your sticky uppy hairs on the top of your head, in betrayal. Even worse when you already swam in it and forgave for it on >1 occasions.

Its scary when we are left in a mental box, all alone, about 10 feet by 10 feet, turning around and around looking for an exit, looking for a hand to grasp, but there is none. And then you realize, I put myself here.

Its empowering to think ahead to the next chapter. With new wisdom from fresh mistakes just made. I remain hopeful. Its out there for me. I had a taste of Potential. Consuming, can't eat, can't breathe, butterflies and zsa zsa zsu... Its amazing.

Its ironic that today is my six month anniversary. I met him six months ago today and remember it down to specific details. Today is also the day we said goodbye. I had no choice. Neither did he.

My throat hurts. I can't make the lump go away.

Question of the Day

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Kalimera

I didn't like my horoscope today. It said something about pursuing a former romantic partner....it might work this time. Ewww! Horoscope writers, you bombed today! Yesterday's was much better, it said I'd start out my day with good intentions and then get nothing done except texting and emailing and playing and such. That one was COMPLETELY dead on. Although, wait, I did clean my fridge so technically I did something. AND! The cop took me out for dinner and drinkies at Garduno's...but I guess that would be considered playing. Oh yes, and there was the lunch with Ros at Mimmo's. And this looks like a perfect lead-in to tell you about my fabulous single gal pal Ros who I haven't mentioned all along this blog's way.

Ros is a physical therapist here in town....works in the school system which is how I know her. Long flaming red gorgeous hair, tall and skinny, super smart, great singer (she used to sing with a band). We do about the same thing at work, traveling from school to school, and working out of the "motor room" with kids with special needs. In our downtime, we do lots of girl talk gossip about the goings on in our lives, and let me tell ya, this chick should write a book. On many mornings, she comes in to the portable we share with the cellphone growing out of her ear, speaking Greek a mile a minute, gesturing wildly. Even when she's here, she's mostly there.

Ros spends her summers living in Greece. No, she's not Greek, although she speaks it fluently, she just loves the country and has great friends over there. This winter, as we were out for din din, we were on the topic of Greece and Ros said to me, "It would be soooo great if you could come with me!" Being I was all poo poo-ish about my life at the time (it was during one of the cop's Disappearing Acts), I said, "uh, okay!!!" Since then, we've got the vacation all planned: I'm going to fly there to meet her on June 27th staying 3 weeks. Hitting Crete, Rhodes, Skiathos, and of course, Athens. The 8 nights in Rhodes is the one I'm most excited about because we are renting this FABULOUS house right near the castle, along a cobblestoned street lined with quaint little shops. The house has a dreamy looking courtyard enclosed by greenery with bistro tables and an ornate water fountain thingy in the middle. Beautiful. I envision coffee there each morning topped off with a Ros/Stef giggly girly debriefing session about the adventures of the night before. And I know there will be adventures.

Ros fell in love in Greece a few years back. Thoseus. Say his name with a head shake and an eye roll and then you'll get it. Thoseus ended up moving to the states to be with Ros. It bombed miserably. The whole issue with him not able to work drove them both batty since he became so dependent on Ros for everything, and not just financially. Plus he's this big baby, and by the way over a decade younger than her, who'd throw temper tantrums and always needed his way. You should hear Ros do impressions of Thoseus. Its so freaking funny. She can mimic the accent perfectly. Anyhoo to make a long story short, Thoseus hightailed it BACK to Greece, but they continued to have this phone relationship with him wanting her to move there, get married, blah blah blah... But even over the phone waves his dysfunction shined through and Ros finally said ENOUGH. They haven't spoken in a month. I'm thinking there will be great drama with Thoseus and Ros this summer, and I'm so happy I'll be there on her team to keep her strong. Though there are a few distractions he'll have to get past. Ros has Greek men lined up, who can't wait for her arrival.

I keep telling Ros how I can't wait to get to Greece and dance, dance, DANCE! She's warned me, though, about the ways of Greek men. She said I can't just pull strangers out to the dance floor and dirty dance all night like I do here. Greek men see that as an invitation for sex. And they get mad at the end of the night if that next step turns out to be a brick wall. I told Ros she has to teach me to say, "No sex just dance," in Greek so we can solve that problem from the get go. And if they irritate me too much, I'll just dance with Ros. Problem solved.

About two months ago, I bought a book called, "How to Speak Greek in 7 Days." Total false advertising with THAT title let me tell ya. But I did get down Kalimera which is good morning. And parakolo which I think means thank you. They say poo a lot, which with MY juvenile sense of humor I find very funny! Who cares if I don't speak Greek in 7 days anyways? I got Ros. Thank you goddesses of the world for my fabulous girlfriends!

The Austin Powers Groovy Baby Computer Room

Check out what I've been up to the past 2 weeks! I love love love to paint and decorate. Another creative outlet I guess. The rooms been met with mixed reviews by friends who've gotten the whole Trading Spaces type reveal. Oh well. I like it. The kids are amused by it. Who cares beyond that.

P.S. I did the Pergo floor all by my single lonesome as well! Because I am just that fabulous.

Question of the Day

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible black crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Question of the Day

Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, they hate it, but when you take them for a car ride, they can't wait to stick their head out the window?

The Sisterhood of the Venus Goddesses

Pam just called me. She's a little irked at her long distance lover boy Eric who opened his mouth. See to me, this is such an obviously WRONG thing to say to a girl, I just don't understand how the male species could MISS the inevitable complex that these words would invoke! He said, "You know what I love about your stomach? How its rounded and not flat...." Jeez Eric, come on. Pam told me it was about as bad as when another male friend told her she looked just like one of the floating cherubs painted by the great Michelangelo. You know, the ones with the belly hanging out, the stubby arms and legs, and the rolls? What are boys thinking??? How could that ever be a compliment?

So the consequence? A half hour phone call listening to her deflated self-confidence....I'm so fat, I feel like a blimp, I can't get into my shorts. Umm, Pam, you wear a size 2. She's a 40 year old hottie dancer chick but it doesn't matter what compliments I say. Its the insults we females cling to.

So boys, let this be a lesson to you. Think about EVERY SIDE to a compliment before it exits your lips. We do not want to be called round, and we do not want to be called cherubs. Now go back to Mars, I'm done lecturing you for the day.

Question of the Day

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

You Can't Help But Smile

Mackenzie had her first date tonight. She keeps correcting me when I say that, but trust me, this is the first one that counts. Sneaking a kiss behind the school theater building DOES NOT COUNT, Mackenzie.

I'm trying to wrap my pea brain around this. It seems like there's SO MUCH transition, so many lasts and so many firsts, around me with these two fabulous kids of mine I can hardly keep up!!

And you won't believe what she told me: Don't even ask me what the movie was about, mom, because we pretty much made out the whole time.

I had two thoughts when she told me this:

Number One: This is great she trusts me enough to tell me this!

Number Two: AAARGH!!!!!

Sidebar....When I shared this with my friend Matt, he (being a Seinfeld freak like me) asked me, "what movie was it...Schindler's List?!?" That was my chuckle of the day.

She went on that they didn't get to kiss goodbye because I was right there and it was awkward since she didn't know how I'd respond or feel about it. Another great confession from her, yes? Don't give me any kudos for being a great parent, this is all her. I responded by telling her how much I value affection and I'd be sad if she ever felt she couldn't display it in front of me--whether it be a well-timed snuggle, a hand in hand stroll, or a kiss just because. Only I didn't want him having sex with her. Yes, I said that part too. I don't know why I can't stop while I'm ahead. But Mackenzie's used to it. I got the eye roll and she was over it.


Its amazing what a great kiss can do to a girl, isn't it? What a new boyfriend and all the hope and potential and ignorance and innocence that comes with it can do. Mackenzie was silly and giddy all night after her date. Yes, most definitely, her head was in the clouds. Still is. How refreshing. Happiness sometimes gets spread thin in the life of a teenage girl trying to figure herself out. When I see moments of it in my daughter, I catch it too.

And if he breaks her heart I'll squash him like a bug. I will steal the cop's taser and aim for the crotch. And then I'll mama bear hug her and take her to Ben & Jerry's. Now there's two boys who know how to treat a girl...

Question of the Day

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Venting and More Venting and Red Flags Galore

Last night the cop cooked for me and Pam. I left with a BAD taste in my mouth that wasn't from the food.

First, you need some information. Pam and I are West siders, and the cop's an East sider with two roommates--a fellow cop and an almost-cop, all single and cute. Pam and I Salsa dance on the East side sometimes on Thursday nights, when we can get the energy up to make the long trek East. When the cop called me early in the day and invited me to his house after Salsa for dinner, I told him Pam and I already had plans to drive together to Salsa, so he graciously invited her as well.

The food was fabulous and all was well as we lounged around outside enjoying the nighty night night. As always, wouldn't you know, around 9pm, a big group of friends or acquaintances or heck, maybe strangers off the street--who knows and who really cares at this point-- came traipsing in at once. And here's my other greatest source of contention with the whole Cop/Stef saga. He lives in this big social, frat boy, come-on-over-and-let's-party, type of environment. Don't get me wrong, I love a party. Heck, the wilder the better, bring it on. I'll be the wannabe Coyote Ugly girl up on the table. Only, I don't want to LIVE in a party. And the people coming over to the cop's? Barely of legal age is my guess. One of his roommates is all of 23, so this makes sense, but come on! The cop is 29!

As we watched the house instantly fill up, I said to Pam in girl-speak, we are so fucking out of here, and we boogied our Salsa booties to the car as quick as you can say Cha Cha Cha (which we also do A LOT of at dance class...and by the way, I find much sexier than Salsa when done right....).

I haven't told you the whole cop story. I left out the part that while he was seeing me (and then the times he pulled the Disappearing Act), he was seeing someone else as well and lying to me on the side. I didn't know this until I found some texts in his phone (yes, snooping and I'd recommend it to anyone who's feeling a weird vibe from their man, as long as you can stomach what you find, that is), which forced him to fess up. You wanna know how he met her? Well, here is where I have to tell you because it'll pull this whole venting session together and you'll get it... He met her at his house. A friend of a friend's coming to party with the cops. One of the random visitors to the frat house. But it was all strictly sexual, of course, it meant nothing.... (can you hear my oozing sarcasm?)

I have these visions about how it went down...that one night I'd be there, then the next, she'd be there...roommates laughing and amused by it all, which is probably quite accurate. But why stop there? He was probably seeing us both in the same day. And I'm still harboring much anger for the betrayal even though I've given him the verbal apology acceptance, blah blah blah, but sometimes words can be meaningless.

Last night when the crowd walked in, I couldn't help but wonder if she was there, or if she was coming. And it feels yucky. Too yucky. And it forced me to define the current relationship status. Which is what I am currently working on.

As a delectable castor oil night cap, the cop texted me a "good night" and happily joined the partying group. Normally, he chooses to text me till we both go cross-eyed. But that all changes when the party children come to play. Interesting where his interests lie. Or is it lay? Whatever, he's done his share of both which is why you are reading these words, so you pick what you like better... lied or laid.

Now we get to tonight. I was at a Fajita's and Margarita's party chock full of friends and co-workers, just walking distance from the cop's house. Ever the extrovert, I was having a great time and being my chitty chatty self. The cop texted me, and wouldn't ya know, I blew off the rest of the party and went to see him. And he filled me in on the fun party of the night before. And his house gave me the creeps. And once again I beelined for the door. And now I'm here.

I have this idea in my head. That inanimate objects sort of do have lives. If you think of it, they live in our memories. For example, look down at the shirt you are wearing. Where'd ya get it? Who was with you? When did you wear it last? See? There are stories attached to that shirt. And that's just a shirt. Think of a WHOLE house and its contents! Stories stories stories of memories memories memories. A house is swimming in them. It makes things you want to forget that happened in it quite difficult. It keeps things you want to forget alive and festering.

I don't want to ever step foot in his living breathing house again.

Back to that bad taste in my mouth from last night. That's still there tonight. I've known about the whole betrayal thing for a month now. I don't feel any closer to trusting him, or forgiving him, or dropping my guard. The Question of the Day needs to be edited. Well maybe what I have is a List of Questions of the Day:
1) Is monogamy possible?
2) Is the potential for betrayal and heartbreak worth the gamble of an emotional relationship?
3) Why is trust so hard to rebuild once its been broken down?
4) Should a relationship this early on feel this discouraging?
5) Am I justified in my feelings or being pathetic selfish female or am I subconsciously sabatoging a good thing?
6) Will his house ever stop making me re-live the lies?
7) Who was he REALLY gonna do the ride-along with the night he claimed it was Kendall? (too tired to explain)

Wow, this post just gets worse and worse. I think I need to go brush my teeth.

Question of the Day

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Question of the Day

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyways.

Get it Right People!

For as long as I can remember I've been plagued by the name Jennifer.

Jennifer Larson, back in high school, was always better, prettier, smarter than me. In fact if it weren't for her parents divorce our 8th grade year which caused her to not try out, you can be sure I wouldn't have gotten the last position available on the cheerleading squad. And if you don't make it that year, you are just DONE.

And then there's the annoying albeit WEIRD common occurance of people calling me Jennifer. One librarian in particular, and this was all of two years ago, needed about an entire year before he got it in his head I was actually a Stefany. Trust me I corrected him EVERY time. And we'd even have conversations about how he felt I LOOKED like a Jennifer, but yet it continued.

Today at Smith's, Jennifer somebody was bagging my groceries. The cashier in the next aisle yelled over to her, hi Stefany! She immediately and annoyedly corrected him, I'm NOT a Stefany, I'm Jennifer! I chirped in, I'm a Stefany! Which led to my whole spiel about my connection to the name Jennifer.

The cop's ex-wife is a Jennifer. I'm starting to think maybe there's some kind of cosmic connection to names...whether it be the bad associations to them or the good. Her phone call tonight to the cop invaded my house and my fabulous dinner. He was thoughtful enough to ask if he should take it, I'll give him that, and of course I said of course. The call was informing him he can't take their dog anymore because she has a new man and doesn't want to make him uncomfortable. Control? Manipulation? You betcha, fine strangers. At the end she even asked, are you mad? As if she wasn't secretly hoping for that. You just have to know the history here to understand her call. But his chatty chatty end of the conversation was slightly bothersome as well. There is still a connection here. A dysfunctional, unhealthy hold that brings them both down to a lower level. This is his baggage. It bothers me. Especially knowing what damage she did to the soul of a potentially great man capable of potentially great things. But I guess we all have a bag or two or two hundred.

In the meantime, I'll avoid all Jennifer's.

And if you haven't figured it out yet, my name is Stefany. Get it down and don't forget it.

A Fabulous Update On Various Fabulous Topics

I ran a 5k this morning. Mothers On the Run. A Mother's Day cancer fundraiser. Moms were encouraged to run with a kid, then there was a combined score category for moms and their offspring. My delightful offspring refused to go and are still asleep as I type at 10:30 am this fine Sunday morning. So! I took my 26 minute time all alone and was 30th overall. Don't ask me how many people ran, not many that's for sure. My buddy Ann (who I blogged about during the Salt Lake trip) and her 60 year old mom (who I wanna be just like when I grow up) paced me the whole way.

My buddy Pam was a no-show to the run. Probably because her man flew in yesterday for a 3 night quickie and they are swimming in their whole romance with regards for nothing else outside of each other. I can't imagine a long distance relationship. Hard on the heart, I bet. But they seem to make it work so more power to them. The plan is to have them over on Monday night, with the cop as well, for a fondue style din din. Wanna place bets on whether they'll bail or not? I'm not shopping till last minute.

I woke up yesterday morning and thought, I'm gonna redo the master bath today. So! I'm happy to say it looks fabity fab fab fab. I faux painted it in a camel color, then hit Linens N Things for new shower curtain, rugs, towels, candles, etc. All in a rich cinnamony deep red with gold accents. I keep walking in there and gawking at it. Sometimes I amaze myself.

Things are going well with the cop I must say. He's either way into me or a great actor. Time will tell, I guess. He acts like I'm so unique and special, but the thing is, I'm just NORMAL. Here's a perfect example...a quote from a text he sent me that I've got locked in my cell and it goes like this...Where did u come from? I don't know, I always thought u were too good to be true! He's never had normal before as he's a psycho chick magnet. So it makes me look like something extraordinary. There's so much to this story I want to write out, but I can hardly make sense of it in my head! Once I get it mentally in place, it'll find its way here.

A beautiful Mother's Day in New Mexico, the Land of Enchantment. I'm off to clean my trashed-out clothes-strewn landmine-buried get-the shovel-and-a-germ-mask messy bedroom as the cop's coming over after work and I have to keep up the guise that I'm a clean and orderly type girl. Shhh.

Question of the Day

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where does that extra penny go?

Question of the Day

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

On the Lottery and the Cop

Dang I REALLY thought I was gonna win the lottery last night. It all started with the store clerk who CARDED me, yes, 35 year old me, for buying a freaking ticket! It went down like this, "I need 5 Powerball's please." She said, "Can I see your ID?" To which I looked around...first left and then right to see who she was carding. When she looked back at me with that, I'm waiting and don't have time for stupid customers look, I said, "Uhh, are you carding me for a lottery ticket?" She looked at me like I was a little looped in the head and responded with a "yeah." Duh. She didn't say duh but I heard it just the same. "Oh my god I LOVE you!" was my response. As I strutted out of the store, I began the calls and the texts to everyone in my phone to inform them of my new love the store clerk chick who just carded me for a lottery ticket. I saw this as one of those signs, "This is my special day! I'm gonna win the lottery for sure!" Sadly, all I got was one correct number off the 5 tickets. Maybe it was just a sign to be patient and keep buying them, cuz I'm gonna win one day soon.

I'm watching the cop install a ceiling fan in my living room as I type. He's very pleasant to watch, trust me, particularly when he's doing manual labor such as this. Have you ever noticed how the "f u c k's" start coming out whenever one gets into a project such as this? And why is it that every project has to get so complicated? He was just fighting with a rubber band for crimeny's sake, insisting that the manufacturers were laughing when they put the thing in a position where it was impossible to get out.

The cop and I have had this roller coaster relationship which is weird for me. He's all of 29 to my 35, and sometimes it shows. He was married for a few years to someone who treated him REALLY bad, just take my word for it, and his last straw was a 4am in the morning call from his cop colleagues saying they had his wife with her girlfriend and 2 males at the scene of some accident. Everyone was okay except the cop. Who, with his broken heart, finally took that step towards freedom.

The thing is, all those years of dysfunction show now and then. Okay, let me back up a bit. I blogged a ways back about how I met him on my birthday...the "In the Beginning, Cupid..." post. Scroll down to the post with the pic of me shooting pool and check it out. Its a good story. By the way that picture was taken at the same bar I met him at AND at the same table I was shooting at. The table behind me is the one he was playing at. Cool huh? Go read it. Then come back to this point.

After we met, the cop pursued me relentlessly throughout December. He clearly was into me, some things we just KNOW. Especially when I wasn't returning the interest yet he continued to work at it. The timing was pretty bad. I moved into my new house in December and with that was all sorts of stress. What's that saying? The one about the biggest life stressors are moving and divorce/separation? Well I was doing both at once. January was a different story. My interest started to shift towards the cop. I remember the week I gave into it. He was vacationing in Nevada, actually. First Laughlin, then Vegas...roadtripping in his dad's new 40 ft RV. We were texting and talking on the phone and it just hit me. I offered to pick him up at the airport and counted down the hours till that moment. I love airport moments. And this one was definitely a beautiful, melt in your mouth kind of keeper. Seeing him in that moment gave me butterflies. And he kissed me. I was hooked.

Not 3 weeks later the dysfunction reared its head for the first time. He pretty much just vanished. I was COMPLETELY confused!!! Two weeks like this, with two weak moments from me in there. One was a phone message or three. No response. The other was a succession of 9 texts in a row. Yes, I am that pathetic. My best bud Pam, in the meantime, gave me two books to read and bookmarked the chapter of "He's Just Not That Into You" called the Disappearing Act. I couldn't believe it was so common it got its own entire chapter. My friend Josh (the one I was out with on my birthday when I met the cop) was so amused by it all he thought he had me totally figured out. "All's a guy's gotta do to get you into him is stop calling...." Pam kept coaching me to stay strong, don't contact him, don't set myself up to be rejected over and over. She's the Dating Queen, you would be lucky to have her on your side, ladies. But the 9 texts shows you how strong I was being, and how much her coaching was rubbing off. Here's where it gets good. I sent the 9 texts, which basically was me letting him know my sadness, confusion, and hurt over the whole Houdini Act. I know, I know, pathetic. But! Back to the good part. After 2 weeks of silence, he responded two hours after I sent the last of the 9 consecutive texts. Ding Dong, went my phone, telling me I had a new text. "Could u ever forgive me?" Is what it said. I was driving alone when I got it, at 10:30 at night, and we began Round 2 of the Cop/Stef Saga.

More later, ceiling fan's a big disaster, back to Home Depot we go hi ho hi ho...

The Baby

I flew back from the Salt Lake City convention that I never quite attended on Saturday, the day before Tyler's birthday. I was home in the early afternoon. Mackenzie's 8th grade formal dinner dance was a few hours off and she was in that typical girl frame of mind before a big event. I could feel the stress rolling off her, plus I was getting glares at a higher frequency rate than normal. "Mom, it was a really BAD time for you to be gone..." She had a 3pm appointment for hair and we ended getting makeup done too. This dance was huge for her. We started dress shopping 4 months ago. Scheduled the hair appointment over a month in advance. Once makeup and hair were covered the next crisis was the condition of her toenails. She was out of her skin that we didn't have time to stop and get them done professionally...that she would have to quickly do them herself.

Let me tell you about prep school girls. Wait, I shouldn't stereotype. Let me tell you about my daughter's class of 8th grade prep school girls. If you don't have Verizon for your cell provider you suck. If you don't carry a Coach, Dooney & Bourke, Prada, etc. you suck. Your hair must be medium to long and in layers. The blonder the better. This blonde thing bugs me. Mackenzie's a natural blonde but constantly begs me to highlight it to which I firmly stand by "no".

I don't know where this mindset grows from, but it places great stress on these girls. It also places us parents in a position that if we don't succumb to the trends of the time, our girls become outcasts and then miserable. I try to make it balance, by making her work for luxury items or wait for birthday or Christmas. At the same time, I'm pretty superficial as well and like pretty things just like her. Only we have varying levels of it, hers is currently way off the charts. Yes, she carries a Coach purse but its a little canvas one I got for 50 bucks on overstock.com. No, we don't use Verizon and her cellphone is so old she hides it from her friends. I refuse to get her another one until our contract comes up in October. Yes, she's well stocked on Hollister and Abercrombie clothes. I'm just trying to survive with her, just trying to get her through this to the next level without too much trauma. Reminding her about what's truly important along the way. I worry about Mackenzie for that reason because I see how hard she has to work to keep up the accepted image. And I see how it affects her own self-image. She's so beautiful yet thinks she's fat. If I say anything to correct that false image she turns pouncing tiger on me. So, I worry.

But don't get me wrong, Mackenzie's got a great soul hidden under these layers of superficiality. She's so generous and thoughtful. Since forever, on any holiday or occasion, she goes all out to create cards, gifts, and kind words to those she loves. She never forgets a friend on their birthday. She's so loyal, too. I think her giving nature is her greatest trait.

Mackenzie's one of those artistic and creative souls. It shows in her school work. She struggles in Math but excels in Language Arts. I remember her second grade teacher telling me he'd never had a better writer in all his years of teaching. Mackenzie would write these 3 page detailed stories when all he could get from the other kids was a sentence or two. That's been an ongoing theme throughout her school years.

Mackenzie's recently told me she wants to be a writer for a glam magazine when she grows up. I truly think she could do it. Combining her great strength with her great interest. Its perfect. I'm excited when I see her looking ahead. But not too excited for the time that passes way too quickly. I already lost one to the big 18, I'm not near ready to let this one go.

Question of the Day

Can you cry under water?

I Am Now the Mom of a Man

Tyler is officially 18 today. Has been for over 24 hours. He was born on a Saturday night, April 30th, at 9:21pm. It was the night of my Senior prom. I remember around midnight a group of friends showing up at the hospital in their prom gear to greet the latest member of the world. Like I've said before, my life's theme is all about weird timing.
His friends threw him a bash here at the house as only they can. It consisted of a chocolate pudding baby swimming pool, water gun fights from the rooftop, Dunstan Checks In, sunbathing in the driveway, pineapple boats, hula hooping, shuffleboard, and lots of Q-tips. The Q-tips were necessary to clean the pudding out of everyone's ears.
The cop came over for moral support after his shift. He and Mackenzie, for the first time, have started bonding. They have my wackiness in common, being that they both have to deal with it, and had a great time poking fun at my idiosyncracies. Mackenzie used to run to another part of the house on the few occasions he'd be around, but this time, she actually stayed. And talked. And laughed.
I haven't mentioned much of my 13 year old daughter, not because she's less significant or loved by no means! Simply because Tyler's had so much going on that I've been currently focused on him. You parents out there get that. How we go in waves with who's getting more of our brain time, depending on outside factors. Stay tuned for a post all about her. She's an interesting creature.

Question of the Day

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

So Many Laps, So Little Time

Oh my, oh my, oh my, last night. Why is it that I get a drinkie or 10 in me and my id completely takes over? Superego? What superego? Give me a drink and its gone.

Let's see where do I start with this one? I left you last when Ann and I were walking out the door. My best bud Pam, who is also in town for the convention I have yet to go to, who is just as dorky as me when she drinks, was with other friends at Port O Call waiting for us. Not 10 minutes after walking in the door I was on my first lap. The thing is, my friends think nothing of it when I get like that because they know I mean nothing by it. However, the lap of a stranger probably doesn't shine such a nice light on my character--which is pretty on the fence as it is. What's a girl to do, though, when every seat in the place is already taken? At the time it felt fun and I thought nothing of it beyond my giddy happy state. Is that redundant? Giddy happy? Probably. Anyways back to the first lap. One marg later, I ended up sliding over a bit so then I had each butt cheek on different laps. I remained like this until Pam (in picture front left), bless her heart, pulled me off to go to the bathroom with her.

All our drinks were being covered by a friend of Pam's who happened to be a sponsor of the convention. On our way back to our bellied up bar spot, I bypassed the first two laps (which by the way belonged to the two hotties in the picture) and beelined for the drinkie sponsor with Pam. By now, the camera's out and we're taking stupid bar shots in all sorts of stupid poses. That's me in the picture, back right. Ann, my extreme makeover project, is standing behind Pam and Eric.

Six laps later, bar time rolled around. Pam took it as a dare when I wanted my sweater back during our group's trek to our hotel room. At 3am in the morning on a street in downtown Salt Lake City, Pam stripped down to her bra to give me my sweater and put her own back on.

And this morning, as we commiserated over our impressive levels of imaturity while consuming free Embassy Suites' breakfast, wearing dark sunglasses and reeking of stale smoke, we kept shaking our heads and asking the question...why?

I do have a souvenier of the night. Matt from Minnesota bought me the big plastic mug I'd been drinking out of...as I whined to Bartender Allen how bad I needed to possess it. Having the weakness that I do for words, I made Allen sign it with his Sharpie. It says, "Madly in love with you, Steph! Forever Yours, Allen 420." You make a mean margarita, Allen. Who knows, maybe I'll see ya again tonight.

Out and About in Salt Lake

Poor Ann, I'm such a bad influence on her. Well I don't know if "bad" is the word, but I'm definitely some sort of influence, and it probably leans closer to being a negative one than positive. That's her in the photo.

She's in the bathroom as we speak, with a few of my clothes mixed with hers in a fabulous outfit I picked out for her. Ann's one of those girls who would be a PERFECT candidate for Queer Eye for the Straight Girl. A natural beauty, tall, skinny, long mousy brown straight hair. No makeup, no fashion sense beyond a love of Nike and Adidas.

We will be heading to a bar here in Salt Lake for the nighty night night. Some friends are there waiting, and I convinced Ann it would be fun to let me do an extreme makeover. I must say, I am rather proud about how she came out. We are on our way out the door. More later.

Question of the Day

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

The Latest Wild Hair

I woke up to a normal morning, went to work today as usual, and expected nothing out of the ordinary, yet here I am in Salt Lake City 12 hours later! That's me (the short one) and Ann at the top of the Joseph Smith Building downtown. All my colleagues were here for our annual professional convention. During the school day I suddenly realized I wanted to be there with them. I got a great deal on a last minute flight and easily found a friend to room with and Voila! Here I am. My roomie Ann and I just got back from having drinkies with friends Santi and Joe in their room. Embassy Suites puts on a FABULOUS breakfast so I look forward to that in a few hours, then a complimentary happy hour from 5-7pm tomorrow evening...which we'll be smuggling in a few friends to attend with us. I plan to shop and do a run in between. Oh yes, there is the convention as well. Maybe I'll try to squeeze in a bit of that as well, we shall see.
What was that? You want to know who drove me to the airport? Okay, okay I'll tell you but NO JUDGEMENT. The cop.
And I can't get the goodbye moment out of my head. My stomach does flip flops when I think about it.
The truth is, I'm here because of him. Strengthening my defenses I guess. Giving myself time to clear my head and reflect on my feelings. The past couple days have been intense.

Question of the Day

Why is it that you are "in" a movie, but you are "on" TV?

Leaving the Nest

I had Tyler when I was 17. The freaky thing is that his dad and I were secretly HOPING it would happen. It was an insurance thing, I was a Senior in high school and still covered under my parents. We were high school sweethearts from a small town of 1,000 where mindsets like this were fairly common. College at the time held no interest. Playing house sounded like much more fun. Tyler's dad was a construction worker 3 years older. When I found myself divorced at age 19, I started to see how my life's timing was all off. Fifteen years later its still a common pattern--the whole off-timing thing, but now I embrace it as what makes me ME.

Tyler was a NIGHTMARE when little. A five year nightmare I couldn't wake up from. Probably much to do with the fact he was being raised by a child himself. The kid was in a constant state of motion, loved to get out of things--the car seat while driving along, his high chairs, his crib, his clothes, you name it. I was constantly challenged by this ball of energy I had birthed. A great diet plan, ladies, give birth to a hyperactive kid. You'll be exhausted but skinny. As Tyler got older, slowly yet steadily, he started to blossom into something special.

Yesterday he threw Javelin at his last high school track meet before districts. There's been a lot of "last's" this year, as he starts to test his wings on the side of the nest for that inevitable jump. I know the whole "time flies" thing is so cliche, but COME ON, have truer words ever been spoken? Sometimes I want to shout, "Stop, Mr. Time! Turn your hourglass self to the side just for a moment so I can catch my breath!" But Time seems to laugh at me then pick up momentum.

One thing Tyler's been blessed with all through his high school years is an amazing group of friends. Its more like family as they have their regular dramas and battles, but somehow they all stick together unconditionally. I've loved watching this rare connection over the years, and feel sad for what they don't know. That this is the end of it, at least in this capacity.

His 18th birthday is next weekend. Tyler's friends have this huge surprise party thingy planned and all I have to do is supply cake and the house. Although they have surprise parties for each other EVERY birthday so of course Tyler expects it.

I look at Tyler these days, his 6 ft tall 170 lb frame, and I marvel at it all. I gave birth to this? Its hard wrapping my brain around it. Eighteen years ago I never imagined the baby I held would EVER grow up, and yet now there's this young man who stands before me! He is intelligent, he is wise beyond his years, he is tender, and he is good. Somehow as I bumbled along my potholed road of parenting, Tyler found his way.

So I marvel. Cuz in this kid of mine I see so much potential and virtue. He already possesses things I still strive and search for in my own person.

He's going to be okay in this world.

This mama bird is so proud.

Question of the Day

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

In the Beginning, Cupid Bumped Into a Pool Playing Cop

I met the cop over 5 months ago on December 1st. The date is easy to pull out because it also happens to be my birthday. My friends Kas and Josh took me to Horse & Angel, the neighborhood bar, for happy hour drinkies and pathetic pool playing. Its funny because on our way I told them I was craving Garduno's coconut margarita's and free chippies and suggested a change of venue. Problem was, that left the pool playing out so they changed my mind back to the H & A with the promise they'd buy me chippies. Have you ever seen that movie, Sliding Doors, with Gwyneth Paltrow? It was a Sliding Door moment, had we gone to Garduno's that night the cop wouldn't exist.
Kas and Josh are one of those couples who make you want to barf and yet at the same time jealous as hell. Sometimes they forget about the world around them and get lost in each other. It takes much hand clapping and snapping in their faces to turn their attention back to me. "Hey, hey! Excuse me! Its about ME here today for once! Sheesh! Can you unpeel from each other for a moment?" But they are great fun and they get me so I love them to pieces.
The night was going great, and the three of us were in great spirits as always when out together. The way we play pool is this: me and Kas take turns against Josh. The cop was playing pool with a friend at the next table. "Check out that guy playing pool...he's really cute," is what I said, is how it started.
I swear Kas was Cupid in another life. She's constantly on setup missions. Even her daughter's 3rd grade teacher wasn't immune, as Kas arranged a date between the teacher and an acquaintance from her gym. What Kas didn't know about the man was that once his hat came off he was bald, which in the end didn't work for the teacher.
I saw it coming, Kas angling her way over to the cop's table on her turn. Asking to borrow their chalk on one turn, then strategically bumping into him the next time. She just can't help herself. See? Cupid or his evil twin more-like. Josh watched on in sheer delight as I was trying to disappear into the woodwork, literally. The strategic bump was what it took. The cop started it. He said to her, "So how come your friend isn't with her boyfriend? She's cute." Kas said, "Oh my gosh, not 5 minutes ago she told me she thought YOU were cute, I swear to God." Kas always says, "I swear to God," so that part I know is true. "She doesn't HAVE a boyfriend...Plus! Today's her birthday." To make it more humiliating, Kas came running back with no subtlety about what she was doing and proceeded to animatedly relay every word of their exchange, in clear view of the other exchangee.
At my turn at the pool table (and I missed how this happened), the cop and his friend ended up at our table chatting with Kas and Josh like old friends. I remember one clear thought, "There's no way I'm going back there while they are there." So, I continued to hit balls, Josh's balls, our balls, moving them around and making my own shots... Finally it became obvious I was avoiding the inevitable. One deep breath later, I bravely made my way over to the happy group of new friends.
And that's how I met the cop. One million deep breaths later, I still wonder if we should have gone to Garduno's that night.

Humph

I had a Bridget Jones experience at the gym the other day. I was in between sets on the pull-down bar thingy that I don't know the proper name of, buried in my "How to Speak Greek in 7 Days" book, sitting on the little seat below the bar. I stood up to grab the bar while dropping the book to my side, and as I sat back down I somehow misjudged either the length of the bench or my butt size and ended up splayed on the floor in the most ungraceful embarrassing way you can imagine. It wasn't pretty. Here's where it gets worse...I felt two hands trying to break my fall on my way to the Floor of Shame. All I could think was, please don't let it be "him," please don't let it be "him." Of course, it was. The cute stranger I had been secretly checking out just minutes earlier. He said, "Careful, those benches can be deadly." Now girls, wouldn't this be a perfect invitation for a conversation opener? Here's my chance to be witty and charming with the perfect comeback, yes? But the only thing that leaves my mouth as I'm peeling myself off the floor is, "humph." Yes that's what I said. Well, not said actually, more like grunted. And I looked up to the Land of the Cardio Machines, all which of course just HAD to be facing the pull-down bar thingy, and was mortified to see I had a full-house audience looking rather amused by my whole performance. Oish. Only in the life of a Singleton.

Secondly

Come on, its my new toy. Can anyone begrudge me two posts in a row? I'm having fun so what the heck.
Tyler's graduation is looming right around the corner and I'm trying not to freak out about that. He's actually done with classes in two weeks, then has to spend a month job shadowing in a profession of his choice. He wants to shadow a cop. There is definitely a cop in the picture, the on again off again one I continue to torture my heart with, that Tyler could hang with. Problem is, who knows if we'll be on again or off again in two weeks? It could be awkward for all parties involved. Then there's my neighbor, Victor. He's a cop as well, but its so hard to put someone out like that. So its definitely a source of stress getting this worked out. Trust me, you'll be along for the ride as we work out the details.
Then there's my Greece trip this summer. Three fabulous weeks with my girlfriend Ros, a physical therapist co-worker of mine who spends every summer living in Greece. After the separation and selling the house and downsizing, I found myself with some extra cash. So, Greece, here I come! More on that later. I better get lesson planning for work manana.

First and Foremost

Wow my first blog. Exciting! Its almost like a diary that you don't bother to hide. Hello cyberspace, my name is Stefany and I'm happy to meet ya. Its Sunday night in the Land of Enchantment. Mackenzie, my 13 year old, is at her dad's for the night and Tyler, my 17 going on 18 in two weeks, is dog sitting at my friend Pam's house for the night. Pam's my best friend and is in California for the holiday weekend seeing her man. Its a cute story. Pam and Eric were high school sweethearts separated at college. Twenty years later and after a failed marriage each, Eric called Pam out of the blue and wouldn't ya know...romance rekindled, to keep it short. Its all very Oprah-ish, but being the best friend, and we know these things about our friends, they're the kind of couple who will make it.
Today is Easter, actually. My first Easter separated and doing the single mom thing. I stuck to tradition and hid the clues around the house to lead the kiddos to their Easter baskets. They both tell me its dorky as old as they are but I know they secretly love it. Cooked up a Thanksgiving style feast as well, so I get some good mom brownie points for the day.